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- A consistent, personal narrative of MTF transition and detransition.
- Emotional depth, self-reflection, and nuanced reasoning.
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- No agenda-pushing or copy-pasted rhetoric, only sharing personal experience and offering support.
About me
I was born male and began transitioning to female right after high school. My decision came from deep confusion, low self-worth, and not accepting myself as a gay man who doesn't conform to stereotypes. I've been off hormones for over a year now and have detransitioned. I'm learning to accept myself as a gender non-conforming man, even though it's sometimes terrifying. My journey taught me that it's okay to not fit into a box, and I'm just trying to be a man in whatever way works for me.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition and detransition was complicated and messy. I was born male, and for about three years I lived as an MTF woman. I started right out of high school. Looking back, I think a lot of my decision to transition came from a place of deep confusion and not accepting myself for who I really was, which is a non-conforming gay man.
I had a lot of issues going on. My self-worth was really low from the friends I had as a teenager, who made me feel like I didn't matter. I was also closeted and really struggled with that. I had some physical health problems, like a messed-up jaw, that made me feel unhealthy and not confident. I also started taking Adderall, and I believe that played a big part. It caused me to become emotionally detached from other people and from my own feelings. I spiraled into social isolation, and I think that detachment made it easier for me to make such a drastic change without being fully connected to the consequences. I also smoked weed, which messed with my brain chemicals too.
I don't have huge regrets about transitioning because, in a weird way, I think it sped up my journey to figuring myself out. It forced me to confront these issues. But being trans wasn't the answer for me. It didn't solve my problems and in some ways made things more confusing.
Now that I’ve detransitioned, I’ve been off hormones for over a year. I’m terrified sometimes of just being a gender non-conforming man, even though that’s who I truly am. Because of the hormones, I still look kind of androgynous and younger than I feel, and I often don’t know how I’m perceived by others. It’s hard to figure out where I fit in. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had just moved to college, accepted myself as a gay guy who doesn't conform to stereotypes, and never transitioned. But I try not to dwell on that too much.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's okay to not fit into a box. Transitioning actually limited the options for who I could relate to, in a way. But there are people out there who get it—other gender non-conforming gay people, trans people, and detrans people. I'm trying to learn how to just be a man in whatever way works for me, and that’s still valid.
To anyone else going through this, I’d say to prepare yourself mentally by trying to view your body as recovering to its natural state. Be proud of yourself when it feels hard. Remember how miserable you were when you were transitioned and that it wasn't the answer. Have patience with yourself, try to identify your true emotions, and don't feel ashamed to conform or not conform.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 18 | Graduated high school and began identifying as MTF and started taking estrogen. |
| 18-21 | Lived as a woman for approximately 3 years. |
| 21 | Stopped taking hormones and began detransitioning. |
| 22 | (Present) Have been detransitioned for over a year, navigating life as a detransitioned man. |
Top Comments by /u/sherbetize1:
So, I wouldn’t say I’ve come to a conclusion bc there’s so many commorbidities/issues to factor it. But I think my adderall use contributed majorly to me developing social problems and isolating.
There’s apparently a real symptom called emotional detachment where u become detached from other ppl’s feelings.
I had/have plenty of reasons to be depressed, stressed, and socially struggling but I suspect the adderall is what put me over the top and caused me to make a drastic change (mind u before I even made little changes).
Bro (gender neutrally), I feel the exact same.
I was MTF for like 3 yrs, and detransitioned like a year ago. I am also TERRIFIED of being non conforming, even though it is who I truly am, and how I kind of look because of taking hormones.
I totally agree you might have trauma/deeply embedded ideas of how men and women should act that are holding you back. Tbh it's really hard to give you advice because I am going through it too, but just have patience with yourself and don't feel ashamed to conform or not conform. Try and identify your true emotions.
If you or anyone that also relates wants to talk, add my twitter: blessed2finesse
Im sorry to hear of your struggles. I recommend preparing yourself mentally for detransitioning in a new way. This time, try viewing your body as recovering to its natural temple. Be proud of yourself when it feels hard again, and remember that it won’t be the same as before. So while the dysphoria will return to an extent, tell yourself that this time you can manage it.
Also, remind yourself how miserable you are now. And how being trans wasn’t the answer for you.
As a gay guy I totally relate to a lot of what ur saying. I transitioned mtf right out of Highschool, and I definitely find myself wondering what group I would’ve fallen into if I’d moved to a dorm/college and accepted myself as a non conforming & gay, prior to transition. It can be good to think about stuff like that, but not to dwell on it, or wish for things to be different (if they aren’t reversible). So yeah solidarity. I’m a year off hormones, and I totally get not knowing where I fit in or how. But I remind myself that it was always this way, except before I felt stuck in the straight hetero normative crowd bc of how I looked and dressed. Anyway, there’s no way around it, transitioning limits the options for who u can relate to. But there are people out there who can (gnc gay, trans, detrans), and also just be open to learning how to fit in as a woman in whatever way works, u still are valid, even if certain groups have judgemental criteria.
Omg as a detrans man this is so relatable. I’m not overly regretful ab my decision, bc I do think it probably sped up my journey. I definitely relate to the confusion of not knowing how to present exactly, and for me that ties in with not rlly knowing how I’m perceived. I probably look younger than I feel, and ik I look androgynous still but idk how much. Anyway, glad u are excited ab the freedom.
Ummm well, it’s hard to say. I was taking it leading up to my transition and off and on during. I think the main effect it had was causing me to lose touch w what mattered to me. Which I believe aided my spiral into social isolation. Oh, also it likely caused physical tension to accumulate in my body, giving me more reason to not feel healthy or confident.
Like I hinted at before tho, there was a lot going on. I was closeted, had a messed up jaw, had just spent my teen years w friends that lowered my self worth and caused me to lose my identity, overall there was a lot going on.
But the adderall (and weed) definitely impacted my brain chemicals as well as my behavior in ways that had to have played a part.