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About me
I was born male and my transition began as a sexual fantasy fueled by porn and a need to escape my anxiety. I lived as a woman for years and had surgery, believing it was my true identity. I eventually realized my feelings were a compulsion, not who I really was, so I detransitioned. Now I live with serious health problems, including high testosterone and prostate issues, and I am infertile. I deeply regret making such permanent changes based on a temporary feeling.
My detransition story
My journey with transition and detransition is deeply tied to my struggles with my mental health and sexuality. I was born male, and for a long time, I believed I was a woman trapped in a man's body. This feeling was heavily wrapped up in a specific fetish called autogynephilia (AGP), where I was sexually aroused by the idea of being a woman. It wasn't about being attracted to women; it was about wanting to be one in a sexual context. This was fueled by a lot of porn use, which I now see was a compulsion that warped my self-image.
I think a lot of this was a form of escapism. I had a lot of anxiety and low self-esteem, and living in a fantasy where I could be someone else felt easier than dealing with my real-life problems. I transitioned socially and medically, taking hormones for several years. I even had surgery to remove my testicles. I thought this was the solution to all my discomfort.
But after a while, the fantasy wore off. The "taboo" and "kink" element that made it exciting faded away, and I was left with the reality of what I had done. I realized my feelings weren't about a true, innate gender identity but were tangled up with a sexual compulsion. I reached a point of "been there, done that," and I knew I had to stop. I detransitioned years ago.
Since detransitioning, I've had to face some serious health complications. My body never really went back to normal. My testosterone levels are now extremely high, way at the top of the male range, for no apparent reason. My doctor was concerned and sent me to a specialist. I also have ongoing issues with my prostate that cause me to urinate constantly, which is probably a result of the hormonal changes from my transition and subsequent detransition. I live with the fact that I am now infertile because of the surgery I had.
I do regret transitioning. I made a permanent decision based on what I now see was a temporary and misunderstood feeling. My thoughts on gender have changed completely. I don't really believe in the idea of an internal gender identity anymore. I think I'm just a man who got very, very lost due to trauma, porn, and a desperate need to escape from myself.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 19 | Began having strong autogynephilia (AGP) fantasies, heavily influenced by online porn. |
| 20 | Started socially transitioning to live as a woman. |
| 21 | Began taking estrogen hormones. |
| 23 | Underwent surgery to remove my testicles (orchiectomy). |
| 25 | Realized my transition was based on a fetish and escapism, not a true identity. Detransitioned. |
| 27 | Got blood work showing abnormally high testosterone levels and began experiencing serious prostate/urination issues. |
Top Comments by /u/skdf2342lasd:
Well... you are a female so you inherently "beautiful" to males. I think your issue is more who you are comparing yourself with, are you one of the hot girls, maybe not. Are you sexually attractive to a lot men, most likely. I think surgery to fix cosmetic issues can be great, especially for things like loose skin.
Also you should be aware that you live in the modern world of 2021, never have women been faced with constant and never ending imagery of hotter women than themselves. Via the internet and tik, tok, social media. Men have a different challenge, is it appearance? Partly. But its also dick size. I think never have men had to be so aware of how many other men have larger penises than them in history. In the past you could be confidence in your dick size, not anymore.
More and more people are going to develop complexes due to our modern society.
Its easy to develop complexes about your appearance. Just because you aren't "hot" doesn't mean you are ugly.
You have an interesting perspective as a muslim trans person.
I have a feeling you are going through an epiphany, its possible your mind is maturing. Some people don't gain true inner self confidence and a sense of who they are until their mid-late 20s. It can take that long for the brain to fully "mature".
The way my brain works and my understanding of the world is radically different even at 25 than it was at 19.
I don't blame you for being frustrated with the majority culture (white) that was around you and making you feel different. But personally I get annoyed when immigrant parents throw their kids into foreign countries filled with people of different ethnicity and then are shocked that (some) kids get bullied. Its not a "white" thing. If your parents immigrated and raised you in Nigeria and you were the only non-black kid, a similar tribal mentality is present among all races/ethnicities to various degrees.
Hi, I have interesting problem. I detransitioned years ago and recently got blood work done that showed my testosterone was very high at the far edge of male "range". My doctor said theres no logical reason it would be that high without taking exogenous T, so he recommended I follow up with an endo. My appointment is next month.
I also have the issue of having to pee alot, it feels like I pee and then even 20 minutes later I get the urge even though I know my bladder is essentially empty.
Has your prostate changed further?
Do you think you would still have strong AGP fantasies without indulging them through porn?
I don't really understand the AGP perspective fully because all of my sexual dysfunctions came as a result from porn. So I understand the perspective of compulsion, but not a naturally occurring compulsion. If AGP is as natural as homosexuality... then maybe you can't really get rid of it and you need to determine how to live with it, enjoy it, and live life.
Is AGP really any different from sissification fetish, where a guy gets turned on being humiliated? When the "taboo" and "kink" element goes away, is it still really that enjoyable to fantasize about being a human female? Like a normal one. Not one thats a huge slut and personifying sex?
I can definitely relate to "been there done that" feeling of detransitioning. Getting to that point is HUGE. I feel sorry for the questioners or people who can tell its a bad idea but never pursued it because its so much easier to give up once you've "been there done that" than when its all a fantasy.