Still prefer those essentialist trans girls to all the fetish exhibitionists though. For example all the "sissy" subreddits w/ people making porn of themselves and wearing cock cages ect. That phenomenon seems to have exploded in the last 5-8 years. People fetishizing their humiliation and lack of masculinity

Well I am on the otherside and will not comment on your specific challenges.

But the reality is that what helped me get over passing was realizing that it was physically impossible to pass as the other sex consistently.

To prove this I even had a standard analysis done where a trained forensic anthropologist took a CT scan of my entire skull and compared a long list of reference points on human skulls to a large sample of human remains including males and females.

Think: Distance between orbital rims, ect, ect but with specific anatomical terms, not made up stuff.

Then its all assigned values and you can look at each anatomical distance or feature and see how close you are to the female average vs. the male average. Predictably essentially every category for me was within one standard deviation of male average or 2 or 3 standard deviations AWAY from male (meaning more masculine). There was 2 or 3 characteristics that were within 1 standard deviation from female average.

This will be the case for the vast majority of the population, I do not have a particularly masculine skull but rather its very rare for a male to have skeletal features even within an entire deviation (think bell curve) of a female. 95% of males will have a large variety of skull features that are larger and more robust than females.

Because of humans ability to manipulate our appearances people often forget the very stark differences especially in our skulls and make logical fallacies like think a tall woman must be "bigger" skeletally than a short man when in reality she still has a tiny female head and thin female bones, compared to a very short man.

Just some food for thought. The study cost me $1500 and the CT scan was another $300 so I did not take it lightly lol.

Btw partially because of my efforts and making the reality of the sexual dimorphism of the human skull known to trans people, FFS surgeons have been forced to admit in person and on their websites that their procedures will not change the size of the skull and that that may be a barrier to passing (they still like to pretend its not as big as a barrier as it is, and focus on outliers though instead of the reality that 95% of males skulls are too big to pass.)

If you have any doubts do not get irreversible surgery on your genitals.

Literally how will your life be different pre vs post orchi?

Think of it in basic terms, is the minor change in your life that you would get from an orchi worth the loss of ALL flexibility and ability to go back to being a completely functional male?

Also do not get sucked into a "system". You can cancel whatever you want, come on don't act like you "owe" it to thsi system to follow through on the surgery. Thats a ridiculous line of thinking. THe doctors, nurses, ect do not care about you, they are just doing their jobs. Tell them they don't have to do their jobs on your this particular day, its not a big deal at all. People cancel medical shit all the damn time.

This is actually a healthy response you are having. I personally believe that once someone gets "pricked" by the trans fairy and starts obsessing about it, that its VERY difficult to give up the fantasy until you actually live it.

Even if you detransition, you may come out the other end with a clarity of mind that will allow you to move forward, and that will prevent you from obsessing about it later in life.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Thats how I feel about transition. On to other more exciting things.

Ya and there are entire subreddits where people cage their dicks spend all day sniffing poppers riding dildos and cooming to sissy hypno.

The idea that every single sexual thought should be pursued, obsessed over, and validated is bunk. It leads people to turn into shells filled with hedonism.

Just because you have the capacity to fantasize over something doesn't mean you need to BE anything other than you are. Also fantasies can change over time and often do.

Ya I did not mean that boys or guys who are feminine and in the past would be called "sissies". I have plenty of feminine flamboyant well adjusted gay male friends. I am talking about the group that fetishizes "being a sissy" and usually they are also addicted to porn and into extreme exhibitionist sexual behavior. Especially posting pics on reddit to humiliate themselves. For example r/ "chastity sissy".

You could take finasteride to prevent DHT hair loss.

Your ex was at least on a gay-bisexual spectrum. If hes blaming you for something, hes being delusional about himself. Good chance that he has had gay experiences and just did not tell you about them.

Yes I never felt comfortable telling people because deep down it felt fake and not real. I ended up hiding it from a lot of friends and kept the list of people that I was officially out to low. Personally I am happy that I did this, because it allowed me to maintain control of my identity with these people. Even if they suspected, its a lot different when you come out and say you are trans, you will forever be looked at differently.

Make no mistake, even people that are supportive, to them its still quite EXTREME to do what you are doing, and frankly as someone else said, they will not be surprised if you detransition, so theres not that much pressure on you.

You can always chock it up to identity crisis, people will be able to relate on different levels.