My whole journey started from a place of deep confusion and pain. I never felt like I fit in, especially when I was a teenager. Looking back, I think a lot of it was just the normal discomfort of puberty. I hated the changes happening to my body, like developing breasts; it felt wrong and alien to me. I was also really depressed and had terrible anxiety and low self-esteem. I spent a lot of time online, and that’s where I found communities that gave me a simple answer for all my problems: I must be a boy.

I started to believe that my unhappiness was because I was born in the wrong body. I was heavily influenced by what I saw online and by friends who were also exploring transition. I think there was some internalised homophobia there too; it felt easier to think of myself as a straight boy than to accept being a gay woman. I started socially transitioning first, changing my name to a boy’s name. It felt like an escape from myself.

That led me to medically transition. I was so convinced it was the answer. I never went through a doctor. I was terrified of them and believed they were just out to make money off vulnerable people. So I bought testosterone online myself. It was incredibly expensive; I spent thousands of dollars on it over the years. I became addicted to the idea of changing, addicted to the T itself. I was on topical and inhaled T for over three years. It permanently lowered my speaking voice, which is something I have to live with now. I practiced singing every single day while on it, trying to hold onto my voice. My natural voice is low now, but if I focus, I can still hit high notes, though they don't sound as nice.

The whole thing ended in disaster. I had a cardiac arrest, a serious health complication that I'm sure was linked to the hormones I was taking without any medical supervision. It was a huge wake-up call. It made me realise how dangerous this path was. Around the same time, my boyfriend started talking about wanting to get estrogen, saying it was for me, but I knew it was really for himself. That situation scared me too, and I realised I didn't want to be responsible for someone else going down the same dangerous path I did.

After I stopped, I started to rethink everything. I learned that the whole idea of "gender" was invented relatively recently by a man with a bad reputation. It made me see that my problem wasn't "gender dysphoria," it was a deeper unhappiness with myself and my body, maybe a form of body dysmorphia, that got wrongly explained to me. I think if I had gotten proper, non-affirming therapy to deal with my depression and self-esteem issues, I never would have transitioned.

I have a lot of regrets. I regret ever taking testosterone. I regret the permanent changes to my voice and the damage to my health. I regret the money I wasted and the pain I caused myself. I don't believe transition is the right answer for most people, especially young people who are confused. I would tell anyone questioning to be very, very careful. The medical system can be dangerous, and there are people who will take advantage of your vulnerability. It's okay to be confused about who you are, but true healing comes from dealing with the root issues, not from trying to change your body.

Here is a timeline of my journey: