My whole journey with gender started when I was really young. I was always a tomboy, even as a little kid. I preferred playing with action figures and riding bikes with the boys. My mom wanted a little girl she could dress up, but that just wasn't me. I felt uncomfortable in girly clothes; they never fit right and felt weird on my skin. This feeling got worse when I hit puberty around age 11. Suddenly, my body was changing in ways I hated, and people started treating me differently. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my guy friends anymore because I was now seen as a potential target or something. It felt like I was being punished for growing breasts.

I started getting really uncomfortable with my body. I was overweight for most of my childhood and teens, and my body looked androgynous because of it. My breasts didn't look like other girls'; they looked like manboobs because it was just fat. I hated it. I felt like a failed woman because I didn't have a feminine shape. Dressing in men's clothing was just more comfortable, both physically and mentally. It felt like a way to hide my body and avoid the attention I didn't want.

In my late teens and early twenties, around 2018, things got confusing. Even though I hadn't changed, society seemed to. People started misgendering me. Waiters, coworkers, even strangers would call me "they" or "that person." My very feminine birth name was on my work apron in sparkly letters, and they'd still do it. It made me feel crazy. I started to wonder, "If everyone thinks I'm not a woman, maybe I'm not." I began looking into non-binary identities. It felt like a surrender, like if I identified that way, then people couldn't misgender me anymore. You can't misgender someone with no gender, right?

I spent a few years, from about age 21 to 23, identified as non-binary. I dove into online communities, trying to figure myself out. But when I asked genuine questions, like the difference between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia, people would shut me down, telling me to "go google it" or that they weren't a dictionary. It was frustrating and isolating. I never took hormones or had surgery, but I thought about it a lot. I figured if I couldn't be a pretty woman, maybe I could be a good-looking man. My reproductive dysphoria was the worst part; the idea of getting pregnant made me feel sick and suicidal.

What really pulled me out of it was a combination of things. I lost a significant amount of weight, over 100 pounds, and finally saw my real bone structure. I have a very masculine frame—wide shoulders, a square jaw, no hips or butt. I realized that no matter what I did, I would never look like a conventional woman, and that was okay. I also started to understand that a lot of my feelings were tied to trauma. I experienced childhood sexual abuse and emotional incest from my mother. I had no positive female role models and was constantly compared to my dad, who was kinder to me. I hated the idea of becoming like my abusive mom, so I rejected anything feminine associated with her.

I also have PMDD and dissociative issues. My hormones are naturally messed up, and I suspect my mother might have smoked during pregnancy, which affected my development. During my luteal phase, my attraction would even shift, and I’d feel attracted to women, but it was fickle and hormone-based. My dissociation means different parts of me feel different genders; some feel male, some female, some nothing at all. But I learned that my consciousness is me, not my body. Changing my body wouldn't change those internal parts.

I realized I was trying to solve a problem with the wrong solution. My issues were trauma, self-esteem, and society's narrow view of what a woman should be, not my actual gender. I stopped identifying as non-binary around age 23 and accepted myself as a gender non-conforming woman. I'm straight, I love men, especially feminine men, and I'm in a long-term relationship with a wonderful, masculine guy who loves me for me. He finds me attractive even though I look like a "butch lesbian" to everyone else.

I don't regret exploring my gender because it led me to a place of self-acceptance, but I regret how much time I spent confused and in pain. I'm angry at the online communities that pushed an ideology without providing real answers or support for deeper questioning. I'm frustrated that medical transition is so easily accessible for some, while I, a woman with a serious medical condition (v-EDS) that makes pregnancy life-threatening, have been denied a hysterectomy for years by insurance. The whole system feels broken.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's mostly a social construct. "Man" and "woman" are just words describing sex, not who you are inside. You can be anything and still be a man or a woman. The focus should be on breaking down stereotypes, not changing our bodies to fit them. I believe true gender dysphoria is rare and often confused with other issues like body dysmorphia, trauma, internalized homophobia, or misogyny. Social contagion and online influence play a huge role, especially for young, vulnerable people.

I benefited from stepping away from affirming therapy and doing my own inner work. I never took hormones, but I saw how they could change people's personalities and cause serious health issues. I'm now firmly against the medicalization of gender for most people, especially minors and those with unresolved trauma or mental health issues. My journey taught me that self-acceptance and healing the root causes of your pain is the only way to truly find peace.