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Reddit user /u/subtropicalyland's Detransition Story

Detransitioned: 25
female
low self-esteem
hated breasts
regrets transitioning
puberty discomfort
started as non-binary
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

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Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.

The user's comments are nuanced, self-reflective, and show a consistent, evolving personal narrative. They describe a specific, complex history of questioning, identifying as non-binary, and ultimately desisting, citing deeply personal and practical reasons (voice, health outcomes, acceptance of biology). The passion and criticism align with the expected perspective of a genuine desister.

About me

I never felt like I fit in as a woman and hated my body, so I thought I must be trans and identified as non-binary. I considered taking testosterone and getting surgery, but I was terrified of ruining my singing voice and saw that it didn't bring my friends happiness. My turning point was realizing I am fundamentally female and that medical intervention couldn't change that in the way I truly wanted. I discovered my discomfort wasn't about being the wrong sex, but about low self-esteem and feeling I wasn't a 'good enough' woman. Now, I am learning to live in my female body by embracing a masculine style and finding strength through exercise, and I'm finally at peace.

My detransition story

My whole journey with gender started because I just never felt like I fit in as a woman. I hated my breasts and felt a deep discomfort with my body, especially during puberty. For a long time, I thought this meant I must be trans. I spent a while identifying as non-binary; it felt like a safe middle ground to explore these feelings without having to commit to a full medical transition.

I had pretty significant gender dysphoria and really wrestled with it. I looked into the possibility of taking testosterone and even getting top surgery. But a few big things held me back. I love to sing and I was terrified that hormones could damage my voice, not just lower it but maybe ruin my ability to sing altogether. I also looked at friends of mine who had transitioned, and from what I could see, it didn't seem to have made them any happier. That really made me pause and think about whether such a radical step was right for me.

The biggest turning point for me was a deep, personal realization: I am female to my very bones. No amount of surgery or medication can change that biological reality. I realized that if I couldn't press a magic button and actually become male, then going through all the pain, potential health complications, and a lifetime of dependency on medications wasn't going to fix the root of my issue in the way I truly wanted it to.

I also had to face a really hard question: was my discomfort with my body truly gender dysphoria, or was it something else? I came to understand that for me, a lot of it was tied to low self-esteem and not feeling like I was a 'good enough' woman. I didn't fit the feminine stereotype, so I thought that meant I couldn't be a woman at all. That's an incredibly harmful message, and I'm glad I saw it for what it was.

I made the choice to learn to live with my female body. This is my choice for my body, and I know it won't be right for everyone. How I live with it is by fully embracing being gender non-conforming. For me, that means having short hair and a masculine style. Our biology doesn't dictate how we can choose to express ourselves. I also found that getting really connected to my body through intense exercise helped a ton. We live so much in our heads, and learning to just be in my body made me feel much better in myself.

I don't regret exploring my gender identity, but I do regret how quickly the current culture can push gender-nonconforming people toward thinking they must be trans. It's perfectly fine to be a man or a woman and dress and present however you want. I believe transition is right for some people, and they deserve respect and access to care, but it shouldn't be seen as the only option for anyone who doesn't fit a stereotype.

My thoughts on gender now are that we need to be able to talk about what a man or a woman is, because without that, the entire concept of being trans becomes meaningless. You need to be able to explain how your identity sets you in opposition to your birth sex. I think a lot of the current ideology, which comes from postmodernism and queer theory, is actually really unhealthy. It argues that words literally create reality and that there's no objective truth, which I think dissolves our ability to have real communities and conversations.

Age Event
During Puberty Experienced significant discomfort with my developing female body and hated my breasts.
Early 20s Began identifying as non-binary as a way to explore my feelings of not fitting in as a woman.
25 After deep reflection, decided against medical transition (testosterone/top surgery) and chose to desist, embracing a gender-nonconforming identity as a female.

Top Comments by /u/subtropicalyland:

9 comments • Posting since June 21, 2022
Reddit user subtropicalyland (Questioning own gender identity) explains how identifying as non-binary was a harmful, regressive solution to feeling like they weren't a 'good enough' woman.
39 pointsApr 1, 2023
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Yep, super regressive and relies on stereotyping. I am a desisted non-binary person thanks to taking a deep dive through all this and coming to the conclusion that for me, my identification with NB was because I didn't think I was a 'good enough' woman. That's an incredibly harmful message to send to young women.

Reddit user subtropicalyland (questioning own gender transition) explains the postmodernist roots of the phrase "words are violence," arguing it is used to police speech and shape reality.
36 pointsJan 21, 2023
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The words are violence thing comes from postmodernism out of which queer theory is born. Post modernists argue that the words we use literally create and shape reality so are very careful about policing and penalizing speech which doesn't align with the reality they want.

It's really unhealthy in my opinion.

Reddit user subtropicalyland (questioning own gender transition) discusses the concern that current trans discourse can pressure gender non-conforming people into thinking they must be trans.
33 pointsJun 21, 2022
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Hard agree with this. It's one of the things that makes me struggle with being fully on board with the current orthodoxy around trans issues.

It is perfectly fine to be gender non-conforming as a man or as a woman and to dress and present however you want.

It is perfectly fine to be a transman or transwoman and live your best life, you deserve respect , love and safety.

I do think that the way in which we are talking about sex/gender and stereotypes at the moment, plus conversations around how you can be trans even if you lack dysphoria can lead people to think that if they are gender non-conforming they MUST be trans. I don't think this is always or automatically the case.

I do think some people will explore and discover they are trans because they are gnc but it shouldn't be expected that all gnc people will want to or even should transition.

Reddit user subtropicalyland (questioning own gender transition) explains how reading "Cynical Theories" revealed the illiberal nature of modern social justice, arguing that reducing people to identity labels dissolves communities and societies.
17 pointsJan 21, 2023
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I sort of felt there was something 'off' with social justice as it currently stands but I didn't know what it was until I read Cynical Theories.

I believe in each human being's right to freedom from religious or ideological persecution and to a life free (as far a practically possible) from material threats to existence. Politically I am mostly a left leaning liberal. It took me a long time to see that current approaches to so called progressive politics are fundamentally illiberal and opposed to functioning societies.

If you reduce everyone down to identities and labels and say that no one who is not that exact label can ever truly know or have meaningful connection to anyone who isn't then you will dissolve communities, societies, democracies and yes go insane.

Reddit user subtropicalyland (Questioning own gender identity) explains their reasons for desisting, citing voice concerns, observations on friends' transitions, acceptance of biological reality, and personal uncertainty.
16 pointsApr 1, 2023
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A couple of things. Not in any order.

  1. I like to sing and was worried that hormones would damage my voice (lower is fine, inability to sing is not)
  2. My friends who have transitioned are not happier for it from what I can tell. Their decision is completely valid and I support them but I was put off taking such a radical step because I didn't want to take such big steps and have it either not help or make things worse.
  3. Knowing that I AM female to my very bones and nothing I do will change this. If I could button press I would, but that isn't an option, so why risk pain, complications and lifelong dependency on medications for something that would not fix my issue in the way I wish it could.
  4. Uncertainty - is my discomfort with my physical body REALLY dysphoria or is it something else - do I want to do this to myself if I am in any way unsure (I decided no).
Reddit user subtropicalyland (questioning own gender transition) explains that postmodernism rejects objective truth, logic, and science, arguing that an individual's personal view of reality is the only valid one.
10 pointsJan 22, 2023
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Basically that objectivity and absolute truth does not exist and that any of the tools we use to try and describe reality is flawed and untrustworthy.

So it rejects logic, science, empiricism and rationality as fundamentally unable to describe the world.

Rather, it argues that the only true description of reality is one that an individual makes themselves and that no one can claim anyone's view is invalid.

Reddit user subtropicalyland (questioning own gender transition) explains why the concept of gender identity relies on having some definition of 'man' or 'woman' to be meaningful.
5 pointsJun 21, 2022
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I don't think that the idea of trans people is sexist in a pejorative sense, but I do think that without an idea of what a 'man' or a 'woman' is, which will inevitably mean there are some characteristics we use to define those things, the idea of even being able to be trans becomes meaningless because you don't have any means of explaining how your experience of your body and identity sets you in opposition to the one that you were assigned at birth.

Reddit user subtropicalyland (questioning own gender transition) explains the postmodernist view on biological sex and critiques its rejection of logical rebuttals.
3 pointsJan 22, 2023
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I think I'd agree that there may not be many universal human norms but post modernism ultimately would argue against things that we see as reality which I think is why they also argue biological sex doesn't exist when it does (not that this prevents trans people existing).

It's not that none of their claims are logical, some of the commentary and analysis around power differences is useful in understanding complex situations- its that they won't accept logical rebuttals as valid critique.

I don't think it's supposed to make intuitive sense.

Reddit user subtropicalyland (questioning own gender transition) explains their personal choice to live with gender dysphoria by embracing gender non-conformity, connecting to their body through exercise, and accepting their female biology.
3 pointsJul 23, 2022
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I speak as a person with pretty significant gender dysphoria who wavered for a while under the NB umbrella before deciding that as my body is female and surgery is both financially and practically not an option for me, that I had better learn to live with it. This is MY CHOICE for MY BODY and will not be right for all people. I do think transition and surgical treatment is right for some trans people and I will always support access to it.

How I live with it is embracing the gender non-conformity that comes with being me. For me that means short hair and a masculine style, for you it may mean enjoying more traditionally feminine apparel and behaviors. Our biology doesn't dictate how we can chose to express ourselves.

Also - and here is the really unpopular part of my post (haha) exercise and feeling connected to my body. I don't know where you live but my country and culture is very western and we live in our heads a lot and tend to consider bodies as things that get our minds where we want them to go rather than as fully integrated parts of us. So doing full on exercise and learning to really BE in my body has helped me feel better in myself.