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The user's posts are highly personal, emotionally nuanced, and internally consistent. They detail a specific, complex history with gender identity, medical transition (1 year+ on testosterone), detransition, and ongoing struggles with dysphoria/dysmorphia. The writing style is conversational, includes self-reflection, and shows a clear, passionate engagement with the topic typical of the community.
About me
I was a kid who always wanted to be a boy and felt deeply uncomfortable with my female body when puberty hit. I started testosterone thinking it was the answer, but after over a year, I realized it felt completely wrong for me. I wish I had been encouraged to question my feelings more critically before medically transitioning. Now I'm trying to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin without hormones. My goal is to accept my body, even though I still struggle with its shape.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition and detransition has been complicated and confusing. Looking back, I think a lot of my feelings started in childhood. I was always drawn to male things. I played boy characters, dressed as boyishly as I could, and really wanted to be Spider-Man when I was four. I felt a huge draw towards the male physique. For a long time, I thought this meant I was trans, because my obsession with looking like a guy felt too strong to just be me being a tomboy.
A big part of my discomfort started with puberty. I was the first kid in my school to hit puberty and I had a big growth spurt, making me the tallest kid at 10 or 11 years old. I actually liked being tall and dominating, even though it made me feel weird and awkward around other kids. But I hated other changes, like developing breasts and body hair. I didn't shave my body hair until the people around me showed explicit disgust in it, which was a really painful experience. I’ve always loved boobs, just not on me. I felt a deep disgust towards my own body, especially my hips and the feminine placement of my body fat. I’m still not sure if that was genuine gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia, or a mix of both.
I think a lot of my feelings were mixed up with being neurodivergent. I was socially ostracized as a child for being awkward and weird, and that trauma definitely played a role. I felt more comfortable in a masculine presentation, but I felt like wanting actual masculine features was going "too far" for a girl.
I ended up starting testosterone. I was on it for one year and two months before I let myself realize that something was wrong. It wasn't one specific thing; it was just a feeling that everything was off. I wish more than anything that I had properly analyzed my decision to start hormones before doing it. I didn't experience a clear moment of realization; I just knew it wasn't right for me.
Since stopping testosterone, I’ve been dealing with the aftermath. I miss some of the changes, like the broad shoulders I had on T, but I know it wasn't the right path. I have a pear-shaped body and my hip bones poke out, which absolutely disgusts me. It’s gotten to the point where my hips are in pain because I constantly position my body in awkward ways while laying down to try and not feel them.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what all of this means. I used to think things like packing as a kid was a sign of gender dysphoria, but now I’m not so sure. It shows how complicated the entire concept of gender is. Everyone processes it differently for a hell of a lot of different reasons.
I wish that when I was questioning, someone had encouraged me to look at my gender in a more critical way. In a lot of trans spaces, it can feel like guiding someone who is unsure to look at both sides is seen as being unsupportive, when it’s actually the most supportive thing you can do. I wish I had heard the perspectives from detrans spaces before I transitioned. Maybe I would have reconsidered.
I don’t necessarily regret my transition because it was a part of my journey to understanding myself, but I do regret not thinking it through more. I’m trying not to hate myself for letting it go on longer than it needed to. My goal now is to find a way to be comfortable in my body without medical intervention. I’m mostly into women, and my sexuality didn’t change through any of this.
I think society needs to be more open about all types of gender expression. If there wasn't such a strict standard for how boys and girls should look and act, a lot of kids would go through a lot less mental turmoil and confusion. A lot fewer people would probably transition for the wrong reasons.
Age | Event |
---|---|
4 | Really wanted to be Spider-Man, felt a strong draw to male characters and physique. |
10/11 | Hit puberty early, became the tallest kid in school. Hated developing breasts and body hair. |
(Various childhood) | Felt socially ostracized for being awkward and neurodivergent. Dressed boyishly, played male characters. |
(Teen years) | Developed strong discomfort with feminine body fat distribution and hips. |
(Before 20) | Started testosterone. |
20 | Stopped testosterone after 1 year and 2 months, realizing it felt wrong. Began detransition. |
(Present) | Dealing with body dysmorphia/dysphoria around hip structure, regretting not analyzing decision more critically. |
Top Comments by /u/terrassmith:
Ugh, yeah. I was the first kid to hit puberty in school and had a growth spurt, ended up being the tallest kid in my school at 10/11 years old. That quickly died and I ended up getting stuck at hardly 5’7 a few years later. Which, is tall enough for a girl. But I’ve ALWAYS loved being the tall, dominating one. Even if it did make me weird in elementary school. If I could dictate my own height I would be 5’9 at the bare minimum, but preferably 6’1. My height makes me feel tiny, whether or not I’m seeing myself as a man or woman. Definitely one of the reasons I was so jealous of men. Also definitely didn’t like the feminine placement of my body fat. Not sure if that was a dysphoria thing or dysmorphia thing, or both.
I’m glad you realized how you truly felt before starting testosterone and are working towards the body you want in a way that works for you! I wasn’t so lucky. Ended up being on t for 1 year and 2 months before I let myself realize that something was wrong. I still don’t have much of an idea of what that “wrong” is, but I wish more than anything I had properly analyzed my decision to start testosterone before doing so.
I actually didn’t experience it in that way. I don’t know, it was nothing ever specific really. Just... everything. Facial features, body, everything. I didn’t want to be totally buff or anything, just strong and masculine. I’m not sure if working out again will help, but I definitely miss the broad shoulders I had on t. Thanks for your comment!
Hm, that’s interesting. I wouldn’t doubt that. I personally am neurodivergent. I don’t know if that experience would apply to me personally. I was always drawn to male aligned things my whole life. Always played boy characters as a kid, dressed as boyish as I could, felt a huge draw towards male physique. I REALLLLY wanted to be Spider-Man when I was about 4, lol. I kind of always thought that made me trans because although I could separate the difference between gender presentation and identity, I felt a little too obsessed with looking like a guy in the end to just “be cis”. Kinda thinking that was some sort of internalized disgust towards going past just being a “tomboy” and actually being a butch women, mixed with the trauma of being socially ostracized as a child for being awkward and weird. I felt comfortable dressing masculinely, but wanting masculine features was “too far”. Especially because one of the reasons I was probably seen as weird is because I hit puberty earlier than everyone around me didn’t shave my body hair until the people around me showed explicit disgust in it.
Anyways, didn’t mean to go on a ramble like that. Yeah. That’s an interesting theory, I wouldn’t doubt that could be true for some people. Wish society would be more open about all types of gender expression. That there wasn’t any sort of real standard for gender expression in society. I feel like a lot of kids would go through a lot less mental turmoil and confusion if people let it be okay for kids to present however they want. A lot less people would probably wrongfully transition.
LMAO YEAH. I’m mostly into women but I’ve never enjoyed any of that on me. I’ve especially always thought, “man I love boobs but just not on me.” I think female bodies work for a lot of people, but then there’s people like us who it doesn’t work for - for whatever personal list of reasons. There are a lot of aspects of it that do all around suck though, but I never really cared about any of that until I realized I could change those things. Not to encourage transition on here but that was my thought process at the time.
Yeah, I’m trying not to hate myself for it and for letting it go on longer than it needed to. I wish I let myself catch things when things started to feel weird. It’s a process.
That’s basically my goal. I have a somewhat subtle pear shaped body and it absolutely disgusts me. No matter how much weight I lose in my hips, my hip bones poke out quite a bit and being off of t it’s gotten to a point where my hips are in pain because I constantly position my body in an awkward way while laying down so I don’t have to feel them, even though I constantly do feel them regardless. Dysphoria sucks, whether or not transition works for you.
Oh yeah I definitely relate to that. I would even pack as a kid while playing in my room sometimes which I later considered to be gender dysphoria, but now I don’t know. It just shows how complicated the entire concept of gender as a whole really is. Everyone processes it a different way for a hell of a different amount of reasons.
EXACTLY. I think it CAN be dysphoria, but it can also be something else and you have to really critically analyze what’s going on with you before you can come to that conclusion. Not to get off topic, but I wish trans spaces encouraged kids to look at their gender in more of a critical way instead of just seeing and accepting things as gender dysphoria and the answer is to transition. I personally don’t necessarily think kids are directly pressured to transition (most of the time) like a lot of other people do, but there certainly is a weird dynamic with transition. As if guiding someone who is unsure of what’s happening to look at both sides of what could be going on with them = being unsupportive. I wish someone had told me everything I’ve learned through detrans spaces before I transitioned. Maybe I would have reconsidered it.
But yeah, for me in some aspects it probably was some type of dysphoria/dysmorphia. But it feels like some of it was something else. Idk, still figuring it all out.
Up until now my chest was the only thing that bothered me, and I personally always wore a loose binder tank to swim so it never really bothered me. After transitioning medically when my chest was small enough and I lost enough weight I just wore trans tape and that made me happy enough for the time being. I actually never realized how feminine my body contours were until just last week. I guess partially because of dissociation/dpdr, generally not paying attention to my body + always having enough body fat to not really notice any distinct non fat based curves. Ive also always had body fat dysmorphia and I think my brain focused on that more than my body’s contour. All I saw was the fat. Once I did lose body fat, I had already been on testosterone long enough to somewhat mask it. Hence why I’m only noticing it now. No testosterone benefits + lack of body fat = oh look at how fem your body actually structurally looks! So, we’ll see how that newfound dysphoria affects me now I guess lol. Im a pretty obsessive person so I’m sure it’s going to end up bothering me a lot.
I hope that answers your question?