My journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I was a girl who never felt like I fit in with other girls. I was more interested in things that were considered masculine, and I felt very uncomfortable with the changes my body was going through during puberty. I hated developing breasts; it felt like my body was betraying me and turning into something that wasn't me. I had a lot of anxiety and very low self-esteem, and looking back, I think a lot of my feelings were tied to an undiagnosed autistic way of seeing the world. I just didn't understand the social rules everyone else seemed to get.

I spent a lot of time online, and that’s where I first learned about transgender identities. It felt like an answer. The idea that I could just be a boy seemed like the perfect solution to all my discomfort. I was heavily influenced by what I read in online communities; they reinforced the idea that my hatred of my female body meant I was a man trapped in a woman's body. I started to believe that transitioning was the only way I could ever be happy.

I came out as non-binary first, but that didn’t feel like enough to solve the deep discomfort I felt. So, I soon began to identify as a transgender man. I started taking testosterone. The changes were fast and, at first, I felt powerful. My voice dropped, I grew facial hair, and my curves started to disappear. It felt like I was finally taking control and sculpting my body into what I thought it should be. I was so sure this was the right path that I pursued top surgery and had a double mastectomy.

For a while, I thought I had fixed myself. But the underlying problems—the depression, the anxiety, the feeling of not belonging—never really went away. They were just masked by the focus on transition. I started therapy, but it was only affirming; no one ever encouraged me to question why I felt this disconnect from my body or to explore if my autism played a role in it.

Over time, I began to realize that changing my body hadn’t changed who I fundamentally was. I started to understand that my discomfort during puberty wasn’t necessarily a sign of being the wrong gender, but a deep-seated unease with becoming a sexual being at all. I think I also struggled with internalized feelings about being a masculine woman; it felt easier to become a man than to be a woman who didn't conform.

I started to detransition. Stopping testosterone was scary. I had to face the permanent changes I had made to my body. My voice is permanently deeper, I have facial hair I have to manage, and I am now infertile. I regret the permanent physical changes, especially the surgery. I miss my breasts. I realize now that I didn't hate them because they were female; I hated them because I had a form of body dysmorphia and saw them as a symbol of everything I felt was wrong with me. I regret not getting non-affirming therapy that would have helped me work through my trauma, autism, and self-esteem issues first.

My thoughts on gender now are more nuanced. I believe most personality traits exist on a spectrum for everyone, regardless of whether you're male or female. It's perfectly normal for a woman to have masculine traits and vice versa. That doesn't make you a different gender. I think for me, transition was a form of escapism from my other problems. I don't believe I was ever truly a man. I was a confused, hurting woman who was looking for a radical solution.

I don't regret the journey because it brought me to this understanding, but I deeply regret the irreversible physical harm I caused myself. I am learning to accept myself as a female person, and that includes all the parts of me that are masculine.