your comment reminded me of when I read this: https://sfbaytimes.com/where-have-all-the-butches-gone/ and when I saw this: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/04/13/t-magazine/butch-stud-lesbian.html. As someone who prior to taking T was a masculine woman, I'm trying to keep myself proud of that, despite how hard it seems to find other women who also consider themselves women, who don't give in to the whole "trans-inclusive lesbian", and who are just comfortable despite societal pressures. But looking at those links really helped, and I think the more we realize there's more of us, the easier it'll become to create these communities of like-minded women.

The way I've been seeing it since I stopped taking T, is that there was never anything wrong with me being a masculine woman to begin with, and that it is, for me at least, a more radical act to accept myself, within those expressions of "masculinity", as a woman. DBT (a type of therapy) has been probably the most helpful type of thing I've taken, even more than individual therapy, and I think it is because it teaches you skills (many related to being present in reality, despite how uncomfortable it might be), and how to find ways to de-escalate when facing emotions that we would've categorized as "negative". I recommend that you look it up, it usually works in two ways: there's a group component (which was scary, but actually, very helpful to hear of other people's experiences with mental health), and an individual one. There are "homeworks" where you get to apply the things you learn to your own life. Perhaps that would help. And something they mention is... radical acceptance. Which I feel has a lot to do with the fact that, while we may have thought that taking T, transitioning socially, etc., would help us deal with these feelings, I've found that it is in the process of realizing that, even with those feelings of being uncomfortable with expected stereotypes of being a woman, it's ok to just be masculine, to express yourself however you want, regardless of what people's ideas are about how one must be.

And I guess from that just maybe leaning into reading more about butch culture, if that's something that interests you, just to find how other women who express themselves in a masculine way navigate life and things regardless of societal pressures.

This brought a smile to my face! That you got yours back and that you're able to see it differently, because I had a similar experience when mine returned (without dropping my phone lol). Yes, it may be inconvenient, but to know that that part of us is still there, still doing its thing, is so soothing, when years ago, it would've cause so much anxiety, disgust: dread. For me it comes down to learning to love ourselves as we are. For real, this time.

Happy for you

Hey, I would strongly recommend you to attend the event! Last year, I attended an event geared towards queer women, and although I had so much anxiety before going, I ended up feeling so much better after attending, meeting a few women, and realizing that they were all very welcoming and that they would be the type of people I'd want to hang out with anyways. It also made me realize that, although I hadn't attended a queer women event in years, most of the anxieties about my appearance, about feeling out of place, etc., were not things that even came into question there.

Hopefully it'll be a positive experience for you as well :) and you have every right to be there!

I related a lot with your post, because I also was on T for a long time, and after stopping it (around the 1 yr mark), I started to question more and more about myself, about what I had done, etc. but as u/mofu_mofu said, once those doubts and thoughts become a part of your life, it's likely going to be harder to ignore. I also thought that it would be impractical for me to detransition, I thought of the support I received, about how people "adapted" to me when I made them all call me a different way, etc., but ultimately, this is about you. What's going to make you happy, regardless of others? Others will always talk, will always have something to criticize. How are you going to be the happiest, most in peace with yourself? If the way to that would be to continue to stop taking T, to do more in terms of detransition, then perhaps you can explore that. Something that could help is looking more into female groups, groups where you can see the type of women representation that you were missing, and that is out there. Yes, it's all become a political show, but there are still women who fiercely believe in the ability to be themselves, as masculine or as feminine as they wish.

Don't do things for others -- not even if you're seen as a reference for people looking for trans "guides". Do it for yourself, explore it for yourself. In my experience, once you realize that those who love you, loved you for the person you are, despite the alterations to your appearance, it'll be easier to not care to lose those who "liked you" because you represented a mirror to their own ideas. Loving yourself is the main thing.

I think that an advantage you have is that, since your body is still medically the same as it was before your social transition, you don't have to go through the troubles (medically) of "going back".

One thing I'll suggest though - don't feel like you have to observe women to see how we act or how you should act. I feel that when we transitioned, our mind was so focused on seeing how men acted to the point where most trans guys end up looking like a caricature of a man (doing "masculine" gestures, not smiling in pics, talking/walking a certain way); and the same I think happens for trans women where they try to do the opposite. But the point is that one who is a woman just is, and you don't need to do more hand gestures or anything else to just be.

For finding a style, take a look at some fashion magazines, fashion vlogs or even celebrities you like, see what they're wearing, see what of those things you like. The good thing is that you can have fun with it and just try different things-- and that there is no prescription as to what is acceptable or not, even if that's combining things that are from "men's clothes" with other stuff. For me, it's been a process of venturing into using more fitted things, embracing the fact that I have hips (something I'd dread a few years ago), and combining it with "masculine" things that I like, like layers: shackets, jackets, oversized tees. Have fun with it, see what feels good and maybe see what colours look good on you (based on your skin tone) and embrace that. You don't have to fall into stereotypes, just have fun with exploring and eventually you'll find what works for your body and for your confidence

Shopping online is a good tip! Thank you.

I'm definitely letting my hair grow out already and feel so much better every time I see how far I've come in general.

I'll be changing my name before graduation so everything is a smoother sailing from there! Thanks for your input :)

Hey, I don't know if this will help, but what I've tried coming to terms with is that, at least for me, when I was on T and hyper-focused on "being seen as a guy", that became an obsession. That performative act... but now, I've tried just coming to terms with the fact that, regardless of how I look and especially regardless of how others perceive me, I am a woman, and that's it. I (we) don't owe femininity or any performative or appearance-based standard to anyone. We've already hurt ourselves so much trying to be something.

The other day I was feeling very similar to what you describe, thinking that people saw me/treated me "as a fr*ak" essentially, and someone told me something that made me realize that I do not need to continue trying to analyze or care even about other people's opinions of me: she told me that I was thinking that I am a fr*ak, not necessarily other people think that about me. It made me change my perspective a bit, because just like when I step in the women's bathroom feeling like I'm the odd one out, chances are women there will notice that scaredly sight. Yes, we changed our appearances, our voices, etc., but we are not fr*aks. We did certain things that rendered us different in appearance to many women, but we still are one, and as such, we don't owe anything. Idk, I totally get the feeling though... but I feel it is more liberating to precisely be, regardless of our "unusual" appearance, a woman, and no one can take that away from us, so don't let other people's stares distract you from it.

Thank you so much for your words!

I think that I'm leaning towards changing my name back but doing it in a way in which I don't have to disclose it to my school peers, and then after graduation I'll just move buildings too so that there's no explanation needed, etc.

It's funny how a lot of the premises of trans stuff are about "being your authentic self", but it's truthfully in this even more complex situation (at least IMO) of detransitioning that I've had to really accept myself, radically so. All the best to you and may you continue to do so for yourself!