Out of curiosity why are you trying to "force" yourself to go off hormones? It sounds like you're coming up with a lot of internal resistance which may be an indication it is not the right decision for you, which is fine. It's not to say all the best decisions are made from comfort zones but it doesn't sound, at least from the post, that is what you truly want for your life.

I digress.

Now onto your question. I was and am transmed which in and of itself was enough to drive me from main trans communities basically being insta-banned. I'm also not a fan of the denial of biological reality that is very pervasive in trans-communities. Now I'm not saying to constantly go around reminding everyone of your birth sex (that pretty much negates the reason for transitioning) but I do think it's ridiculous to say that my tits (when I had them) were male tits or that I have a boy pussy (fucking gross) or saying "men can have babies too!" like no. No they can't. The denial of biological reality by simply labeling it something else is ridiculous and laughable. If you need to say you have man-boobs to ease your dysphoria, fine whatever, do it in the comfort of your own head space or by clarifying what you mean or as an inside joke with your friends or whatever, don't try and make all of society including medical science adopt this language. It doesn't help anyone in the long run and you (as in the people who do this) sound genuinely insane to the rest of the population who struggles to lie to themselves about their entire life experiences up to this point. We call people male and female for a goddamn reason, not because society is "transphobic".

Rant over I guess.

Comes down to money. Who is the audience? Sure, masculine women and maybe some other lesbians may watch but who else? Masculine women are not a large enough demographic. For feminine gay men you have gay men who may be willing to watch but the main viewing base is... well... straight women (and we can go into how straight women have a fixation on gay men later) but there is no reverse of this for masculine women. At least not REAL masculine women. If you were to flip this you'd have the 'edgy' woman to suit men's tastes but I think most masculine women would agree, this isn't accurate for most of us, nor would they want their representation to be for the male gaze just like how these feminine men are really just there because the female gaze (is that a thing? I don't know) permits it. Women don't want to watch a real masculine woman, they want to watch a woman with the spirit of masculinity but who is still very much a straight/feminine deep down woman. They want someone to project onto.

Pretty sure I've read of butch/stud/masculine loneliness. That is because there isn't much of a market for it. Not to say we aren't awesome and bad ass and loved by those around us but when it comes to media and entertainment people like to relate to the characters, who can relate to a gnc woman in a 'friend projection' 'partner projection' 'self projection' sense? Not many.

I can't compete with cis men. Its not a "i don't think I can" I know I can't because biology be damned. I just drew the short straw with my body and since its the one thing I'm stuck with, kinda can't go anywhere.

I don't really care what I am I just can't feel this way anymore. And I don't think transitioning into a half man will solve it.

I'm not going to end up dead any time soon. Like I said I'm too chicken to do it. But maybe one day 20 years down the line I'll be tired enough to fall into it with some dignity.

Yes and no. Its been an insecurity for some time. I see short guys all the time where I work. But they're still taller then me.

Most of this was trigger from me injuring myself working out I've been forced to rest for 6ish weeks and I'm loosing my strength. This stuff bothered me but I was doing ok. I'm just a wreck right now.

I'm in therapy and I'm going to talk to my therapist again about seeing a psychiatrist to get anti-depressants. I'm hoping that will help.

Im not on testosterone but sure that would still be true if I was.

Because there is no escape to how I'm feeling. There's no exit. There's no solution. Testosterone won't help. I'll still look like a female because I'm short as fuck. Whats the point then? Even if I looked male no one is gonna take me seriously. Im just trading leprosy for being paralyzed, I'll just be paying for it. Fuck that I'd rather spend money on something else worth my time. But that means there's no practical solution. So not only was I cursed with gender dysphoria i had to be so feminine as to be short so theres no escape. Cause fuck me I guess.

I'm on borrowed time as I've nearly attempted suicide in the past. Should've followed through. Chickened out last minute. My parents had to go though a dick load of infertility treatment to have me. They should have just listened to god or nature or whoever the fuck was telling them not to have me.

I think the issue here is that the parallel is to something that was overall a negative thing and so the implication here is that transitioning, overall, is a negative thing. Lobotomies have a strong emotional charge to them, a rather visceral reaction. And while that visceral reaction may mirror yours I think it's scary for others to have that reaction associated with transitioning especially for those who have an uphill battle. Should this result in a ban? I don't think so considering I'm militantly freedom of speech but that's just me.

You said it yourself in the post, you recognized it could be over the line but you're surprised it's over the line?

Her reasoning is really thin in my opinion. There could be a loose correlation but there might not be.

In my experience if there is a trauma/socially driven desire for transitioning most people are aware of this truth but push it down. I did so quite a lot. The tip off for me however is when I was transitioning and cut myself free from being "female" all the shame and hatred I had that was directed inward was suddenly pointed at other women and in a very negative way. That was a big indication to me I was heading the wrong direction.

HOWEVER

I STILL experience physical dysphoria which is not connected to those social connotations I have. I am still a masculine person regardless if I had/have negative experiences with my gender or not. I was very masculine as a kid and I always put myself in the closer to male then female box.

That's just my questioning ftm/butch two cents.

I'd ask her to elaborate maybe.

Maybe I should move to boston (half joking). I'm 5'1" there's not much in getting around me being short. I'm shorter then most men and typically women as well as most women in my area are around 5'4".

But thank you for the kind words it's just gotten really into my pysche for some reason.

Thank you for the kind words.

Yeah I would say that's true there has been a change in user base here. I didn't realize it was directly connected to the update. I would say I have been absorbing unhelpful ideas on the internet and in my personal life.

Thank you for sharing your story though, it's nice to know I am not alone. I am unsure of the direction I will take, I'm just trying to survive.

Yes and no. Older women still need to pass through a place of visibility in order to get to an older age. Non-fem women can still get some attention, maybe not as much as a fem model, but they still get some attention, as a masculine woman I still get attention from other women.

And attention doesn't always need to be sexual either, it could be merely in a relationship sense as well. I think on average, women receive more attention then men do, in a relationship/friendship sense and sexual attention sense.

Visibility might more or less translate to that feeling of vulnerability women talk about, in a sexual sense. You are visible because you are vulnerable and vice versa. If a woman is walking alone at night she knows that feeling of being in danger, older, masculine, a little below average, it doesn't matter. That is the dark side and the double edged manifestation of visibility.

And a nice combo of being physically weaker.