My journey with gender started when I was a teenager, around 14. I was a girl who felt incredibly uncomfortable with my body, especially when I started developing breasts. I hated them; they felt foreign and wrong on me. I also struggled with a lot of internalized misogyny. I saw how women were sexualized everywhere, in media and in real life, and I wanted no part of it. I thought the only way to escape that and to be seen as a full person, on a level playing field, especially with guys I was interested in, was to not be a woman at all.

I started identifying as non-binary first, because that felt like a safer step. But online, in the communities I was in, it felt like the natural progression was to eventually realize you were a trans man. I was influenced a lot by what I saw online and by friends who were on a similar path. It felt like the solution to all my problems with my body and my place in the world.

I socially transitioned to male when I was 19. I changed my name and pronouns and asked everyone to see me as a guy. I think a big part of my desire to be male was also wrapped up in my sexuality. I'm attracted to men, and I felt a lot of internalized homophobia about being a lesbian. The idea of being a straight man dating another man felt safer and more acceptable to me than being a gay woman. I also, shamefully, had a problem with porn and I think some of my fixation on becoming male was a fetishistic fantasy, a desire to have the body I was attracted to.

I was on testosterone for about two years, from age 20 to 22. I never got any surgeries. During that time, I also struggled deeply with depression and anxiety, which I now realize I was trying to treat with transition. It was a form of escapism. I thought changing my body would fix the deep unhappiness inside me, but it didn't.

What really started to change things for me was non-affirming therapy. I found a therapist who was willing to ask me hard questions about my childhood trauma and my underlying mental health issues, instead of just affirming my gender identity. We dug into my low self-esteem, my discomfort with puberty, and my need to escape from being female. I also benefited from using psychedelic drugs in a therapeutic setting, which helped me see my life and my body from a completely different, more accepting perspective.

I realized my feelings were more about body dysmorphia and a rejection of sexist stereotypes than they were about truly being male. I began to understand that I could be a woman and be masculine, and that I could reclaim womanhood on my own terms instead of running from it. I detransitioned at age 23. I stopped testosterone and went back to using my birth name and she/her pronouns.

I do have some regrets about transitioning. I regret not dealing with my underlying issues first. I regret the permanent changes to my body, like my deepened voice, and I worry about being infertile. I think I was a vulnerable young person who was influenced by a community that offered a simple, concrete solution to very complex problems. I don't believe transition is never the answer, but I do think it's become far too common and that many people, like me, are doing it for the wrong reasons. I believe we'll see more and more people detransition as time goes on.

Now, I'm learning to accept myself as a masculine woman. I'm working on loving the body I have and untangling all the internalized shame I carried for so long.