This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic user. The comments display:
- Personal, specific, and emotionally charged details about surgical outcomes, recovery, and intimate physical and psychological experiences.
- Internal consistency in the user's story across multiple posts (e.g., regretting surgery, describing specific physical sensations, discussing their history).
- A complex and evolving emotional state, including anger, regret, self-blame, and a search for peace, which aligns with the known experiences of many detransitioners.
- Direct engagement with other users in a conversational, sometimes defensive tone.
The account exhibits the passion and pain described in the prompt as common for this community.
About me
I was born male and transitioned because I felt like a failure as a man and thought becoming a woman was the answer to my pain. I had surgery to construct a vagina, but it left me feeling disconnected and mutilated, with strange physical sensations and a deep regret. I now realize I was trying to escape my trauma and low self-esteem, not solve it. I can never get my original body back, and that is a profound loss I live with every day. I'm now focused on therapy and self-forgiveness, learning to live with the permanent changes I made.
My detransition story
My name isn't important, but my story is. I was born male, and my whole life I felt like I didn't fit in. I was a soft, weak boy who got bullied a lot and was also abused. I started to blame myself for being male and saw my own masculinity as a failure. I had OCD and Body Dysmorphia from a very young age; I’d spend hours in front of the mirror, fixated on how my hair looked or how my body was shaped, and I was never satisfied. I was always too skinny and never felt like a "real man." I felt disgusted by other men and couldn't relate to them at all. I had very low self-esteem.
I found a lot of trans stuff online, and it felt like an answer. I thought I had finally figured out what was wrong with me. I believed that if I transitioned, I could become someone else and escape all my past trauma and self-hatred. It felt like a way out.
I went all the way with my transition. I took hormones, I got top surgery to remove my breasts, and I got bottom surgery to construct a vagina. For a while, I thought this was the solution.
But it wasn't. Now, I live with a lot of regret. My bottom surgery was done about three and a half years ago, and while it's healed physically, I am not connected to my new genitals at all. I don't like the way they look or feel. When I get warm, it feels like I have an erection, like there's a small penis under the skin that wants to stand out but can't. It’s a feeling of "reverse dysphoria"—realizing you want your original body back but knowing you can never get it back. This has made intimacy and sex really difficult for me; I feel mutilated and lack the sexual organ I know I should have. Orgasms are weak and feel strange. I barely touch myself there.
I feel like the consent I gave for that surgery was like the consent a sex offender gives to be castrated as a punishment. It feels like I did a bad thing and deserved this, even though I know that's not true. I was just stupid and delusional about the whole trans thing. I fucked up really hard, and I'm the only one to blame.
I don’t really see detransition as a full option for me now because I’ve had so many surgeries. I won’t gain anything from trying to go back. I’m trying to find a way to live with what I’ve done. I have an amazing therapist who is neutral and doesn't push me in any direction, which helps. I’ve also started practicing meditation and a method called Ho'oponopono, where I repeat a mantra: "I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you." It’s a way for me to try to forgive myself and love my inner, pure self, the boy I feel I erased who never did anything wrong.
My thoughts on gender now are that you don't need to transition to be happy. You can be a feminine male or non-binary if that feels right. But physically changing your body, especially with surgery, is permanent and can ruin your life. I tell people now to stay away from it.
I benefited from non-affirming therapy because it allowed me to finally question what I had done without being pushed further down the path I was on. My experience was heavily influenced by online communities and my own need for escapism from depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
I don't regret everything. I like some of the changes from the hormones, but I deeply regret how far I went, especially with the surgeries. I am now infertile and have serious complications with my sexual function and body image. I’m trying to move forward, but it’s a daily struggle.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| ? | Bullied and abused as a soft, weak boy. Developed OCD and Body Dysmorphia. |
| ? | Discovered trans communities online. Influenced to believe I was trans. |
| ? | Started taking hormones. |
| ? | Had top surgery (removal of breasts). |
| 3.5 years ago (from 2020) | Had bottom surgery (vaginoplasty). |
| Present (2020) | Living with severe regret and complications, practicing therapy and meditation. |
Top Comments by /u/throwawayac101010:
I don't like the feeling of my vag. when I'm hot I feel like an "erection". my clitoris is getting very larger. the feeling like I have a very small penis under my skin who wants to "stand out" but can't. that's actually "reverse dysphoria" when u realise u want your genital back but u won't get them back. that's one of the reasons I don't like intimacy and sex anymore. it's too hard to be with someone when u feel so mutilated and lack of the sexual organ u know u should have. and I don't even start to talk about the aesthetic of my vagina 😷😖 the "bottom line" is: stay the heck away from this surgery!
I discussed with all sort of ppl i feel comfortable with about my situation not specifically with cis women. they'r all trying to comfort me and say the right thing. what else they can say/do? I fucked up really hard and I'm the only one to blame. i was stupid and delusional about the whole trans stuff.
I'm so sorry that u feel this way. i can relate in a sense that I feel guilty that I erased my former boy who hadn't done anything wrong to me. although I'm not sure what I'm rn, and I like some of the changes the hormones gave me - I feel like my physical transition went too far.
I started to practice meditation to forgive and love myself. my inner pure self. and I recommend u to do the same.
I started practicing the Ho'oponopono method (from Hawaii) and it includes a mantra with 4 sentences:
- I love u
- I'm sorry
- please forgive me
- thank u
u can watch this video as well: https://youtu.be/vGd1F6QoHsw
I really wish u the best and not only live with your body but flourish and be happy with yourself. it's possible. give it a try♥️
i compare the consent i gave to my surgeon to remove my genitals to a consent that sex offenders gave to their doctor to castrate them as a punishment. like if I was doing a bad thing and i deserve it which of course i wasn't. to be clear: god forbid 😷 I'm not a sex offender it's just was a figure of speech.
I wasn't even bothering to read all your post but I got u and as a deeply regreter mtf (look on my post history)only I can say to u is STOP rn the fukin HRT. all your concerns about passing WILL NOT disappear! you was born Male and u should accept that. transition will ruin your life! that's the hard truth. take it or leave it
edit: u can be just a feminine male/enby if that's what u want but transition is not going do to you any good!
my surgery was done 3.5 years ago and fully healed. I took care of myself. have done the dilations and keep my vagina clean and moisturize as recommended. so that's not the problem. I'm just not connecting to my genitals. I barley touch myself there and the orgasms are weak and strange.
u don't have to be that rude to make a point. I didn't mention anywhere else that I'm planning to detransition or to do more surgeries.
I agree with the main meaning of your comment. we need to love ourselves no matter what but if practically I will need some surgery to feel complete - I will not reject the idea. ofcourse based on my experience, I should be careful but I don't relate to absolutism. so please save me from the whole GC preach thing honey. tnx
to be someone else. to escape my past traumas. I got bullied a lot as a child and was abused for being a soft and weak boy. I blamed my self for being male and saw my male persona as a failure. also, I had OCD and specifically Body Dysmorphia from a very young age. I was fixated on certain looks and how my body and hair should look like (example: I was looking on the mirror for hours and trying to brush my hair in a certain way and wasn't satisfied and so on). I was always too skinny and too soft to be a "real man" (in my mind) + wasn't related to most men if not all of them (and that's still the case) and most of the time felt disgust by them + lack of self esteem and self meaning + engaging with trans stuff on the internet = brought me to the idea that I'm trans and therefore i need to transition. I have gone through a lot since then. detransition is not a real option for me bc I got face, chest and bottom surgery and I will not gain really anything from DT so yes. hope that answered your question
I have actually an amazing therapist who is very neutral and don't push either way. but it takes time and I'm not functioning much but I'm getting help by a social worker and others. I'm really grateful for this community and this specific sub. I feel I have a place to go and share my most intimate and personal details. I hope I will figure my self out... thank you 💋