I'm 2 years HRT, close to 6 years trans-IDed, haven't yet detransed but I'm working with a therapist and a healthcare provider to make sure that when it happens, it sticks.

The first thing that made me realize I wasn't digging this was that even though I pass pretty well, I do not actually have all that in common with women. I'm a relatively feminine person, I'm emotional, sensitive, patient, etc., but my experiences and my female friends' experiences in life do not line up, which is a significant portion of anyone's personality. Realizing that I still relate more to men, even as a feminine guy, made me realize that biological sex is so much more fixed and so much more important to people's internal sense of being than I was giving it credit.

The second thing was coming into contact with autogynephilia theory post-transition. I read Anne Lawrence's "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies" and saw myself in many of the testimonials portrayed in that book. It's a little outdated, the language is considered a bit offensive, and it does, overall, leave you feeling a bit icky. But, I can't deny that that's where a lot of my cross-gender ideation came from. There are those who suggest one clear origin for this fetish; I don't think it's that simple.

People with AGP are extremely varied in how it manifests for them, for some it's simply a matter of intense pleasure, for others it's a source of incredible shame, and for others it's a coping mechanism due to trauma. I would suggest reading up on it (but not too much, there's a lot of misinformation out there and I don't want you to fall into any rabbitholes), and exploring whether that might be motivator for your transition. If it is, I'd recommend seeing a therapist to confront that, and seeing if you can manage the dysphoria that it can cause without transitioning. Also, since AGP tends to manifest in autistics, you should consider figuring out if that's a factor too.

Best of luck ♥️

i wouldn't think of it like that; it does seem a little bit like a self-imposed guilt-trip. that's not healthy, especially for a decision that's in the past and that you've grown from.

you're still on the path your ancestors laid out. you still have the rest of your life to live as the female you were born to be. you made some bad decisions; so did your ancestors, in their own ways, in their own times. some bumps in the road aren't going to erase what they mean to you and what you mean to them.

i'm still trans atm, and im orthodox christian; there's a huge theological conflict raging in my soul constantly. but, at the end of the day, i know that no matter what sins i commit, no matter whether i repent, no matter where i go when i die, god still loves me as his child and wants the best for me. this is the case for your family and ancestors; they want to see you thrive and learn from your mistakes.

don't be so hard on yourself. you're still on your way. ♥️

One thing I've learned over the years, from female friends and my own experiences as an MtF, is that external validation from strangers does not last. It does not make you feel beautiful inside, it's just a passing hit of dopamine. It doesn't make you feel valued, feel whole; like someone else in this thread said, your partner, who actually knows you, is better suited to helping you with that.

But I don't even think that you not being able to flirt anymore is the biggest issue here. I think that's the surface level. The changes from hormones are horrifying, and so is the guilt from realizing you've hurt yourself so badly, and so is the fear of realizing the people charged with your care were the ones that hurt you.

Unfortunately, you can't go back. None of us can, for any reason. It might not be a comfort to hear right now, but this is your life. Put it into another perspective: this is your LIFE. We were put on this earth to make mistakes, sometimes big ones. Sometimes people want to hurt us, and we let them, or we don't and they do it anyway. That's harsh, and it sucks, but that's how life is. There is still plenty of beauty, and love, and laughter, and joy to be felt in between those moments. As you grow older, you grow sharper, wiser, more adept at avoiding these kinds of pitfalls; things that were once hard get easier, and new challenges emerge. That's life.

You don't have to hate yourself for this mistake, especially if you would never dream of hating anyone else for making it. It's okay to regret it, and to be angry with yourself for making it; it's a visceral, immediate reaction to a huge loss. But if you let yourself grieve, if you let yourself process, if you take stock of all the wonderful people you have in your life (and we all have those), and all the wonderful things you had planned to do with your life before this moment, you will learn to forgive yourself, and you will feel better.

I don't know if you're religious but you mentioned God at the bottom of your post. I don't want to preach but what I will say is that God has already forgiven you, and He loves you no matter what. If you pray to Him, ask Him for forgiveness, He will grant it. We're all His children and we've all made mistakes, sinned, committed acts of evil upon ourselves and others. He doesn't mind, as long as you're ready to receive His forgiveness and His grace. That might sound corny, but God helped me a lot when I was going through similar struggles. He might help you.

I wish you the best.

The reason I am so adamant about autogynephilia existing is because so-called "female" sexuality cannot exist in a male body. For the same reason we cannot properly metabolize female hormones, we cannot experience female sexuality. We don't have the equipment or the genes. However, the perception that it is there is very real and very powerful. It can and does cause sensory delusions; I've had phantom vaginal sensations since I was 8 years old and I rarely had any erotic encounters with women's clothing (cross-dressing was not my thing). Crossdreamers are just a particular flavor of autogynephile in denial; most trans women are too. This condition and the delusions it conjures are very real contributors to gender dysphoria in men. There is a stigma attached to it that makes it very difficult for one to admit to having it, and it took me months to accept, but I have to acknowledge reality or I will never find myself out of this hole I've dug myself in. The only people who consistently deny the existence of autogynephilia (and its female counterpart autoandrophilia, which is far rarer) are the people who suffer from them because acknowledging that it is only a fantasy breaks the fantasy. Even if you are aware of the theory, I still urge you to read Anne Lawrence's collected testimonies, they were and are very helpful for me to come to grips with what I have.

I should also note though that AGP is not the only reason I transitioned nor is it the only reason I developed dysphoria. I'm autistic, have PTSD, and am a survivor of narcissistic parenting; I have a very tenuous grip on my body, on my emotions, and on my sense of self. Autogynephilia made it that much harder for me to understand who I am in relation to others. This, combined with a social environment where I was surrounded by misandric feminism that said that all things masculine were toxic (as well as the terrifying effects of puberty that made my masculine bodily/emotional traits emerge) made me extremely dysphoric for years before I even had contact with the transgender movement. But once I made contact, my dysphoria only worsened, because it is transmitted like a social contagion.

Nevertheless, though, I do have AGP and it will not go away, and if you suspect you have a "female sexuality," it is almost certain that you do too. I'm not trying to convert you or anything like that, but paraphilias like this that have the potential to become paraphilic disorders require specialized treatment. It's up to you how you want to identify (just please realize that you will always be male no matter what) or whether you want to take this advice. I know that for myself, I wish someone had been honest with me about what I had going on instead of just selling me on comforting lies.

I'm glad I could help and good luck with everything, I wish you the best.

Parent-run blogs can be somewhat hysterical about the science because they are trying to keep other parents from transitioning their kids; sometimes they extend the truth (that cross-sex hormones are physically harmful) into territory that isn't well-studied, which... I feel some kind of way about, but I understand why they're doing it. Children should not be on hormones, full-stop. We have enough research to prove that this is just straight-up medical abuse.

I think in the current medical, social, and political environment we're in, you should not medically transition under any circumstances. For exceedingly few people, the cost/benefit analysis may actually benefit them to transition, or to remain transitioned once they've started, but with the way clinicians are currently trained, the shoddiness of the research overall, and the few results we can actually draw from, you are extremely likely to end up going down roads you don't want to go down. Even well-meaning doctors often don't know what they're doing here; this is untested territory, and no one reports bad outcomes. You're better off striking it from your mind right now, at least until the harms are publicly acknowledged and the people looking into them stop getting witch-hunted out of medicine and media.

These are all things I've experienced on two years of spironolactone and estradiol (both of which I am still taking because I don't know how to psych myself into detransing):

• Brain fog
• Depression (I had this pre-estrogen though)
• Problems concentrating
• Mood swings
• Changes in metabolism/appetite
• Needing to pee way more often
• Muscular atrophy, especially in the upper body
• Loss of libido
• Testicular softening
• Infertility (may return, but as of right now I don't even produce semen)
• Disrupted sleep patterns
• Penile atrophy/deformity (I am experiencing this right now and it is very painful when you get erections; like having a hot needle inside of your dick whenever you try to flex it)
• Minor incontinence (can't squeeze the last few drops out)

These are the more life-threatening issues I have to watch out for that are repeatedly downplayed by clinicians or just not mentioned at all:

• Deep vein thrombosis (blood clots)
• LDL cholesterol levels (estradiol is basically just modified cholesterol)
• Heart attack/stroke (the most dangerous point in transition/detransition is when fat is redistributing; when it travels it can get clogged, but estradiol in particular is extremely dangerous because it makes the clotting factor super easy to trigger)
• Short-term memory loss
• Migraines
• Erectile dysfunction
• Total incontinence
• Bone loss/osteoporosis
• Severe penile deformity (it can end up cone-shaped)
• Audio/visual hallucinations (I have had these in the past but they were unrelated to estradiol and I don't have them anymore)

Additionally, I would recommend you seriously look into autogynephilia as an explanation for your gender dysphoria. I am an autogynephile, and I likewise began experiencing it around the ages you mentioned, 4 or 5 years old. I would recommend Anne Lawrence's "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies," and "Becoming What We Love," but I should warn you it is a little outdated and very much non-PC. Autogynephilia is basically a fetish, and it's not an altogether uncommon one; the varieties that led people to medically transition, however, were extremely rare until recently.

It may come as a shock to you, as it did to me (only I was a year and a half into my transition when I learned about AGP), but it's extremely important to consider whether this is a driving factor in your desire to transition. There is NO shame in having this paraphilia; as with any paraphilia, the people who have it did not choose to have it, it was an unfortunate confluence of nature and nurture that we do not fully understand.

I am still navigating this as we speak so I don't have any more advice to give you, other than DO NOT transition, especially if AGP might be part of your gender troubles; it is incredibly difficult for AGPs to get off hormones once they start, and the desire to go back on them never goes away completely (unless they have an extremely rare, dramatically bad time on them). I'd also recommend, if you have AGP, trying to find a therapist that has experience with general paraphilias, they will be able to help you better than gender therapists can.

Other than that good luck and godspeed.

in my experience (and i haven't detransed yet so i might be wrong), my body's testosterone brought a lot out in me that i absolutely hated, that hasn't really resurfaced since like ~3 months on estradiol (i'm 2 years in). in my opinion, i think some of it is definitely pure placebo; but i don't think all of it. i got way less impatient, way less angry, way less horny; i wasn't just trying to be less of those things either, like, there was no conscious effort at all. i don't know; it's a mix, hormones are known to change ur brain structures/chemistry so it wouldn't be surprising that some things aren't just you psyching yourself into them.

edit: i didn't answer your question directly op! i don't think T will "make you aggressive," i think there will be emotional changes that might make you more prone to shutting yourself off and possibly be quicker to anger but you can control those things yourself if you have the willpower and you know that reacting that way makes you and others feel bad; most men are not aggressive, domineering monsters on a hair trigger, you don't have to be either

i haven't detransed yet, but i can vouch that a traumatic relationship to gender norms were a big reason i transitioned. just to run thru the list, i repressed my bisexuality, i was bullied relentlessly for being a weakling and then abused at home bc of my cries for attention, constantly told "just get over it" when i developed depression/eating disorders, rly scared and lonely when ppl (esp girls cuz i had a lot of girl friends and didn't rly like being around dudes) started pulling away from me bc i was becoming a man, etc etc. then, bc i was dating a lesbian who didnt realize she was gay till a year into our relationship (i didn't realize our sex life was partially based around my AGP bc i didnt know AGP existed), the gender policing started to go the other way (but at least it was a bit more mutual than before). that went on for 6 more years. i went to college thinking it'd be a bit more "enlightened" there, but it was even more strict with its gender roles, just hidden under lightly androgynous aesthetics. i was terrified of sex and surrounded by it, i feared everybody and became an agoraphobic shut-in, and then at the end of my relationship, my rope, and my senior year, i transitioned; two years later, i realize that was not a smart thing to do.

so yeah, i definitely relate, and i'm sure many more here do too. i'm really grateful to hear your perspective and many others in this sub. sad that it's necessary though :/

I don't want to seem like I'm pushing the AGP label onto you just for the sake of doing so, but you also have to understand that this manifests in many, many different ways. As I've mentioned below, my attraction to men is directly related to AGP. I never really erotically cross-dressed either, but I have an emotional attachment to my wardrobe. It is exceedingly difficult to tell where my AGP persona stops and I begin; at this point the two are in the process of merging. I could go on but it would take a while. There are subtypes to AGP and if left unchecked, one could develop additional subtypes one didn't previously have. Because of its dissociative nature, one could lose touch with base reality and unconsciously edit one's memories to keep the fantasy going. It's also dimensional, it's not just erotic; it's sort of like its own complete sexual orientation, minus an external person. The vast majority of my feminine affects aren't arousing to me anymore, and most of them were never that arousing to me in the first place, I just started doing them in order to maintain my "female" state of mind. Some of this was for sexual reasons, but a lot of it had more to do with trauma than pleasure.

I should also note that based on what we know, people who insist on transitioning for predominantly social reasons are far more likely to detransition than for any other reason. Social transition isn't all that harmless either, at least not for your mental health; it can fuck with your sense of personhood. But at the very least, it's not medical so I can't object to it too hard without sounding downright hysterical.

I am actually experiencing something akin to "losing the fetish" on E and it's one of the reasons I'm having a hard time detransitioning. I was heterosexual before I transitioned, but I developed meta-attraction to men a few months on estradiol (the idea of a man being attracted to me as a woman was what was arousing, not men themselves). Over time, my heterosexual drive has started dissipating and I stopped being attracted to women in the normal way; AGP took over completely. While attractive women still arouse me, it's only the thought of being them that does. Trying to imagine any kind of sexual situation with a woman has become repulsive. Meanwhile, my meta-attraction isn't so meta anymore; I find the male physique insanely attractive now, and I have a massive crush on one of my male friends overseas. I don't even have to pretend to be a woman to fantasize about being with him, and he knows I don't think of myself as one anymore either, but I'm still smitten. Knowing that T-blocking and estradiol made this possible and that I much prefer my attraction to men than my attraction to women, I'm utterly terrified of coming off of it and losing these feelings while the AGP that makes hetero sex so intolerable remains. I would have never predicted something like this could happen, and now I feel trapped on hormones because of it.

I know I'm being picky but is there any other way? SSRIs didn't help with that for me at all when I was on them, and frankly they made other things worse (depersonalization, for instance)

I think I am at the point where I can accept it's normal for me and I can't change it, but I worry about it becoming obsessive like it used to be before transitioning (and potentially pushing me to transition again)