This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the comments provided, the account "tole_chandelier" appears authentic and not a bot. The user demonstrates consistent, passionate, and nuanced engagement with the topic over a long period (2019-2020). Their comments show deep personal investment, extensive knowledge of cult dynamics (frequently comparing trans ideology to high-control groups), and offer empathetic, detailed advice to others. The language is natural, varied, and contextually appropriate, with no signs of automated posting. The user's perspective aligns with a desister or concerned individual rather than an active detransitioner, but this does not indicate inauthenticity. There are no serious red flags suggesting this is a fake account or bad-faith actor.
About me
I started identifying as trans in my late teens after online communities convinced me my discomfort was gender dysphoria. I was deeply unhappy and believed becoming a man was the only way to escape my female body and my own anxiety. I nearly pursued surgery, but reading detransition stories opened my eyes to the cult-like pressure I was under. I realized my issues stemmed from internalized homophobia and low self-esteem, not from being born the wrong sex. I am now a woman learning to be comfortable in my own skin, free from those harmful ideologies.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was very young, but it really took off in my late teens. I was always a bit of a square peg, an introvert who didn't fit in easily. I spent a lot of time online, and that's where I first found communities that explained my feelings of discomfort. They had a name for it: gender dysphoria. It felt like I had finally found the answer to why I felt so wrong in my own skin, especially during puberty. I hated the changes my body was going through.
I started identifying as non-binary first. It felt like a safe middle ground. But the online spaces I was in, particularly on sites like Reddit, were very persuasive. The message was constant: if you think you're trans, you are. Doubts were framed as proof. I saw people getting top surgery and taking hormones and they seemed so happy, so affirmed. I wanted that certainty. I wanted to feel that relief. I moved from identifying as non-binary to identifying as a trans man. I believed that medically transitioning was the only way to fix the deep-seated unhappiness I felt, which I now see was a mix of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Looking back, I think a lot of my drive to transition was a form of escapism. I didn't just want to change my gender; I wanted to escape from myself. I hated my female body, particularly my breasts. I saw them as a sign of a womanhood I felt completely disconnected from. The idea of becoming someone else, a man, was incredibly appealing. It felt like a fresh start. The trans communities I was part of were incredibly supportive of this, but in a way that now feels more like a high-control group. They used love-bombing and created a common enemy—anyone who questioned us was a "TERF," which functioned exactly like the label "Suppressive Person" in Scientology, a group I've spent a lot of time studying. It was a mechanism for controlling information and people.
I never got surgery or took hormones. I was heading down that path and had even started talking about top surgery, but something stopped me. I started reading stories from people who had detransitioned. Their experiences resonated deeply. They talked about realizing that their gender dysphoria was actually a symptom of other issues, like trauma, internalized homophobia, or autism. They described the same groupthink I was experiencing. The moment that really hit me was seeing the comparison to cults. The tactics were identical: convince you there's a terrible problem only they can solve, isolate you from critics, and make you believe that leaving is the worst thing you can do.
I began to detransition socially. I told my friends and teachers that I had changed my mind. I lost some friends over it, which was painful, but it confirmed that those friendships were conditional on me believing what they believed. It was a difficult time, but it was also a period of incredible clarity. I started to understand that my discomfort with womanhood was partly because I'm a lesbian and I had internalized some homophobia, and partly because I had a hard time with the rigid expectations placed on women. I also have obsessive thought patterns, and I had become completely obsessed with gender and transition.
I don't regret exploring my gender, but I deeply regret how close I came to making permanent changes to my body based on a temporary and poorly understood feeling. I regret the years I spent thinking the problem was my body, rather than working on my mind and my self-esteem. I benefited immensely from stepping away from affirming-only spaces and allowing myself to ask critical questions. I now see gender as a social construct that can be helpful for some, but for me, it became a trap. I'm just a woman who doesn't fit the stereotype, and that's okay. My goal now is to be comfortable in the body I was born with and to live my life without feeling like I need to change myself to fit in.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Late teens | Began identifying as non-binary after extensive online research. |
| 19 | Socially transitioned to living as a trans man, influenced by online communities. |
| 20 | Researched top surgery and hormones, but began having serious doubts after reading detransition stories. |
| 20 | Started detransitioning socially, stopped identifying as trans. |
| 21 | Fully embraced identity as a female, focusing on underlying issues like anxiety and self-esteem. |
Top Comments by /u/tole_chandelier:
In what other situation does a patient tell the doctor what drug they need, and then it's the patient's responsibility to determine if there are ill effects? That's the lunacy of the whole situation. Especially for someone under 18! Doctors go to years and years of school to become experts so they can share their expertise. If you went to a Dr. and said you wanted chemo because you were sure you had cancer, you'd be mad if the doctor didn't say, "Are you sure? Chemo is pretty invasive."
It never ceases to amaze me how heartless people can be about people who fell into this trans hole when they were very young. How cruel people can be about blaming the young person who should have been looked after by the experts who should have known better.
You can see by the look in Kalvin's and Ryan's eyes that this is a VERY powerful video.
Being is 24. Kalvin is 19. Being was where Kalvin is now.
There's no way someone can brush off Being's experience by saying, Oh, they just weren't sure enough. Being had top surgery, a hysterectomy, AND phalloplasty. You can't get much more sure than that.
If Being was SO SURE and then changed their mind, it seems like anyone could.
Now they are in this state of limbo due to the surgeries. Lots to think about and should be watched by anyone considering medical transition.
Are you a doctor? There are real endocrinologists who are alarmed by hrt. Some say even giving estrogen to post menopausal women is a bad idea due to risk of coronary heart disease, stroke, and blood clots. Also, why are you determined to invalidate detrans people? Are you unsure of your transition, and therefore need to invalidate detransition?
Hello. Maybe I am wrong, but lots of trans people come to this sub making overtures about being allies and sympathetic, but in reality they are just trying to reassure themselves that detransitioners made a *mistake* and that's unfortunate. They are perfectly happy, of course, but still sympathize with those who made a mistake.
That's what your post sounds like to me.
So, you're a doctor providing HRT, coming to a subreddit where there are people who feel deceived by medical professionals and are in some cases gutted by regret around the permanent changes made under the "care" of doctors, making yourself out to be one of the good guys.
Calling a body a "meat sack," as if it's not way more than that, is particularly troubling.
Pardon me if I am skeptical.
Lisa Littman is a HERO. She isn't backing down from trying to get INFORMATION and actual STUDIES. How many threads are there where people are tying to find out the actual rates of detransition? And no one knows because the studies are skewed (wrong questions targeting wrong group at wrong time) or they are torpedoed by activists who don't want the truth to get out.
Please take this survey to help the truth get out.
This survey was absolutely torpedoed by activists, as was Lis Littman's other paper. I saw it over and over on twitter. PLEASE PARTICIPATE for everyone's sake.
The difference between this sub and r/ftm is that this sub is made up of age 20+ people who figured things out, so the discussion is much more nuanced and analytical. Ftm is teenagers (some VERY young) who seem to endlessly talk about their binders.
I used to hang out on message boards that were critical of cults, like Scientology for instance. It's fascinating how the mind works, how people are persuaded to believe things, and how people who get out are incredibly interesting and have dramatic, sometimes tragic stories (losing their entire families, having to start life with nothing, not even an education, because the cult didn't believe in it).
Many have pointed out the similarity between trans ideology and cults. First you have to convince people they have a problem. In Scientology it's called "finding their ruin," which is the first thing they do when they find "raw meat" (possible new recruits). Once people are convinced they have a terrible problem which is the source of everything wrong with them, then the Scientologists convince the person that Scn is the only solution. Oh, and it costs a ton of money, you spend hours every day studying, and anyone who tells you that it sounds bad should be utterly cut from your life. The critics are labeled SPs (suppressive persons) and much like the word TERF, the name is packed with negativity. In Scientology there's an entire class on spotting SPs and how bad they are.
You see the people from the trans boards checking this place out, and getting scared and going back to the comfort of their totally affirming "friends." It's scary getting new information that may change everything. You may lose friends. You may have to figure out a different way to cope with whatever got you in in the first place.
Good for you for being one of the ones who started questioning figuring things out.
This video with GNC Centric supports your theory. She talks about how trans youth groups are lead by OLDER trans people so it's ripe for abuse. She describes this trans woman group leader who would talk about sex acts, erotic and kinky stuff with the younger trans people. There were always more older trans women and younger trans men talking about this stuff. Definitely creepy. If you put a 25 year old trans woman with 14 or 16 year old trans man, that's sexual abuse.
"But I feel like I’ll probably be judged if I do ever choose reconstruction or revision."
This must be a hard situation, but probably not as bad as you think.
First of all, people judge each other, it happens every day. You walk down the street and think, that person has nice eyes, that person shouldn't be wearing that dress, that person's hair is a mess, etc etc. People constantly have impressions of others, so it's not realistic to make not being judged a big contributor to your feelings of well being.
Second, most people spend about one second thinking about other people, and then go back to worrying about how THEY are being judged. That's how people work.
And third, in this day and age almost no one thinks it's bad to have breast implants. Millions of people have them that literally no one knows about, because they don't advertise it. Most people figure it's no one else's business. Also, most people don't get the big in-your-face size anymore. I know there are tons of actresses who get them and you'd never know.
Clearly it has to be stressful worrying that it's going down this rabbit hole of chasing the right body shape with surgery. But I don't think your situation is like a person who keeps getting surgery for a smaller and smaller nose for instance. You're trying to get something back, which is completely understandable--if it's what you decide to do.
I really hope time helps you heal.
Yup, I googled Characteristics of a cult and got this list, which fits pretty much to a T.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2009/may/27/cults-definition-religion
• Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.
• No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.
• No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget or expenses, such as an independently audited financial statement.
• Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.
• There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.
• Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.
• There are records, books, news articles, or broadcast reports that document the abuses of the group/leader.
• Followers feel they can never be "good enough".
• The group/leader is always right.
• The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing "truth" or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible.
You may have planted a seed in your friend's mind. Don't expect to see the change or to get any credit though. That's how people work. A seed is planted and months or even years later they will think that it was their own idea. No one changes their thinking instantly.
That said, you made some good points, but your friend will be mad at you even if eventually his thinking changes because of what you said. Time to pull back and let everything sink in. Take care of yourself now instead.