This story is from the comments by /u/toobertpoondert that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the extensive comment history provided, this user account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic persona.
The comments display a high degree of consistency, personal detail, and emotional nuance over a long period (2022-2025). The user shares a coherent, multi-faceted personal narrative of identifying as nonbinary for six years due to sexual trauma and internalized homophobia/misogyny, then desisting after therapy and radical feminist analysis. The writing is complex, varies in tone from supportive to analytical to passionate, and shows the user engaging thoughtfully with others' experiences. This depth and evolution of thought over time is not characteristic of a bot or troll. The user's passion and occasional anger align with the note that detransitioners/desisters can be deeply affected by their experiences.
About me
I started questioning my gender in college when I met trans friends, thinking it was the answer to my unhappiness. I lived as nonbinary for six years, using a different name and considering medical steps. My real breakthrough came when I started therapy and finally dealt with the sexual trauma and anxiety that were the true roots of my distress. I realized my identity had been a coping mechanism, not a solution, and I found peace in understanding that being a woman doesn't require me to fit any stereotype. I'm now a happy, gender-nonconforming lesbian who is fully comfortable in my female body.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was 19 and in college. Before that, I never questioned my gender or felt what people call gender dysphoria. I was just a girl who knew I liked other girls. But going to college was a big change. I met a lot of trans and nonbinary people for the first time, and I learned that identifying as something other than a woman was an option. It felt like an answer to a problem I didn't even know I had.
Looking back, I now see that my real problem was a deep unhappiness and disconnection from my body that came from sexual trauma I experienced as a teenager. I hated my breasts, but therapy helped me realize I didn't hate them—I hated that they had been violated. That trauma, mixed with a lot of anxiety, panic disorder, and undiagnosed OCD and PTSD, made my teenage years and early twenties really hard. I felt like I didn't fit anywhere. I wasn't feminine enough to be a "proper" woman, and I wasn't confident enough to be a butch lesbian. Identifying as nonbinary felt like a way out. It was a way to be something other than a traumatized, neurotic, closeted lesbian.
For six years, from 19 to 25, I lived as nonbinary. I used they/them pronouns and even chose a more masculine name, Maxwell. I wore a binder sometimes and thought about taking testosterone or getting top surgery. I'm so thankful now that I never did. My parents were always supportive, even when they didn't fully understand. They loved me and found books for me to read about my new identity, which I really appreciate.
The turning point was finally going to therapy at 25 to deal with the sexual trauma that had been haunting me for over a decade. Working with a trauma-informed therapist changed everything. I did EMDR therapy and learned grounding techniques, like body scanning, to reconnect with my physical self. I slowly realized that my gender identity had been a band-aid on an open wound. It served a purpose for a time, helping me cope when I had no other tools, but it wasn't a real solution.
I started reading about radical feminism, which helped me separate the idea of "woman" from gender. I learned that "woman" just means an adult human female. It doesn't mean I have to be feminine, wear makeup, shave, want children, or be attracted to men. I can just be. I am a woman because of my biology, and that doesn't have to dictate my personality, my style, or my life. I let my body hair grow, I only wear clothes from the men's section for the pockets and comfort, I keep my hair short, and I never wear makeup unless it's for a Halloween costume. I love cute plushies and I have a dead bat preserved in lucite by my bed. None of that makes me less of a woman.
Letting go of the nonbinary identity was a relief. I felt a lot of guilt for a while, especially toward the people who had put in the effort to use my chosen name and pronouns. I had to apologize and explain that I didn't need that anymore. Thankfully, my friends and family were understanding. I told them that the most important thing was that they loved me for who I am, not what I am.
I don't regret exploring my gender identity because it was a necessary part of my journey to self-acceptance. But I am so glad I found my way back to myself. I now see that my dysphoria was rooted in trauma and internalized misogyny and homophobia. I was trying to escape the pain of being a woman in a misogynistic world and the confusion of being a lesbian who felt pressured to be attracted to people I wasn't. I'm now a happy, gender-nonconforming lesbian who is at peace with her female body. I don't have a gender identity anymore; I just am.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 19 | Went to college, met trans friends, and began identifying as nonbinary. Started using they/them pronouns and the name Maxwell. |
| 19-25 | Lived as nonbinary. Wore a binder occasionally and considered medical transition (testosterone/top surgery) but never went through with it. |
| 25 | Started therapy to address sexual trauma and mental health issues (PTSD, OCD, panic disorder). This was the beginning of my detransition. |
| 25-27 | Underwent EMDR and trauma therapy. Gradually stopped identifying as nonbinary and made peace with being a woman. |
| 27 | Fully desisted. Stopped using they/them pronouns and asked people to no longer use the name Maxwell. Embraced being a gender-nonconforming lesbian. |
| 30 (Now) | Comfortably living as a woman, secure in my homosexuality, and free from the distress of gender identity. |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/toobertpoondert:
It makes sense to mourn your loss, as I'm sure many women who've had masectomies due to breast cancer do. A loss of a body part is traumatic, regardless of why it was lost. Take your time to grieve, forgive yourself, and know that your masectomy and deeper voice do not make you unwoman. It might be nice to talk with other women who have had masectomies and ask how they were able to heal. You might never stop missing your breasts entirely, just as we never really stop missing a person who has passed on, but you can work through your grief. Hang in there, and keep reaching out, sister.
The new age, ridiculous definition is "non-men loving non-men" and even then, the "you can do whatever you want forever" types think a lesbian can be anyone who sincerely identifies with queer love for women or some such nonsense. (What makes the love queer?)
If a person is both female and homosexual, as in same-sex attracted, then that person can claim "lesbian", gender nonsense of that person and/or their partner aside
Thinking about Elliot Page saying "I could not picture myself as a woman aging. Obviously. It was just like, what is my future? There’s not a future. That’s kind of what it felt like. I would say, verbatim: I’ve never been a girl. I’ll never be a woman" https://www.esquire.com/entertainment/tv/a40011366/elliot-page-umbrella-academy-euphoria/ It's heartbreaking. It sounds to me like a person too traumatized to picture their future as themself. I've been there, I have a hard time picturing the future more than a few months at a time. Thankfully therapy has helped, and I could be myself again instead of this "nonbinary" stranger.
"People who are really trans, like me"
I see the "detrans people were never REALLY trans, a TrueTrans person would never detransition!" mindset strikes again.
Some people can't stand the idea that one can be TrueTrans (have legitimate gender dysphoria), but transition could still be wrong for them.
I find myself longing for a time that never was: a time in which "lesbian" was understood to refer to female homosexuality. But it's always been up for debate, hasn't it? Some notable offenders:
The "Political lesbians" of second wave USAmerican feminism. These, typically heterosexual, not even bisexual, women would partner with eachother (fine) or unfortunate actual lesbians (mean) in platonic relationships in the name of rejecting men. I'm all for platonic partnership and rejecting men. It's the label and the stringing along actually homo-and-bi-sexual women that I take issue with.
Self-proclaimed "Male Lesbians". Every man who's ever said, jokingly or not, that he must be a lesbian because he thinks lesbians are attractive. Doesn't matter if it's a sincere appreciation and lighthearted joke about how all the women he's into seem to turn out to be gay, or if it's plain old fetishization from consuming too much porn.
The "Bi lesbians" of modern times who reject the "febfem" (female exclusive bisexual female) label even though it's a nice way to say "My sex is female, and I am attracted to both members of my own sex and members of the other sex, but I only desire to actually pursue relationships with members of my own sex." Because the emphasis on sex makes it TERFy (god fucken forbid).
The absolute butchering of the definition into the insulting "non-men loving non-men", a definition which completely erases any direct reference to women or female people. I really don't understand why there are people who want to claim the lesbian label if they're ao allergic to saying women are even among the "genders" they're interested in.
Hell, people have been trying to argue that Sappho was actually bisexual for ages, meaning that Lesbian never meant exclusive homosexuality among female people.
Plain and simple, people do not respect exclusive female homosexuality and I don't know if there's ever been a society in any period of history that did.
Again, completely my own bias, not saying I'm correct or fair. This is a pure knee-jerk reaction, I admit as much, so please take it with a grain of salt. I'm already regretting saying something because I genuinely don't want to make anybody feel shitty and dysphoric even if you did ask for honesty. If you still want to read, I'll put it under a spoiler.
! Playboy bunny is associated with the porn magazine, of course. The anime women plus the porn icon bring hentai to mind. Statisticslly, the majority of porn consumers are male, so an androgynous appearance + porn iconography made me think male. !<
These days I very casually say, "Oh, that doesn't really matter to me anymore," Then I may or may not elaborate, if they ask, "Well, I used to identify as nonbinary, but I don't have a gender identity these days. I'm female, the sex. I'm fine with whatever pronouns, I guess, because whatever words anyone uses won't change who and what I am. Although, if you decide to use "he", you'll probably confuse people, because most people will hear that and expect a man haha."
I'm a teacher, so there's a lot of introductions when we start a new workshop. I'll usually approach it like "hi please tell us your name, age, a thing that you like (hobby, show, book, movie, game, random fun fact, whatever), and then if pronouns are important to you, you are invited but not required to share."
I find myself calling them "requested pronouns". That seems most acurrate, because it ultimately is a request. (Well, sometimes it's a demand, but I digress.)
Increased risk of dementia, for one. I'm already at risk with a healthy uterus, due to family history, so anything that increases risk worries me terribly. A uterus isn't just important for reproduction, after all.
I'm personally not going to encourage anyone to get surgery on a body part that isn't sick or causing them physical pain. I mean, I get that dysphoria is painful, and manifests physically, but you know what I mean like, if a person has a perfectly functional nose but thinks it's ugly I'm never gonna say "yeah totally get a nosejob about it", I'm gonna hope that they can find another way to work through that dysmorphia.
I get the feeling that, subconsciously at least, some of the women doing things like this either A) like the idea of being subversive and gender non-conforming without actually having to be brave enough to cross a cultural boundary and B) when you're a girl, femininity is expected and enforced. When you're a "boy", femininity is your choice. Suddenly, you aren't giving in to peer pressure, you're going against the grain! You've got agency!
I can understand wanting to feel in control.
It makes total sense. I think the average person has little to no idea what's really going on. They still think it's "we just want to pee" and respecting names and pronouns, and not minors medically transitioning and all the homophobia from heterosexual and bisexual (as in, attracted to members of the opposite sex) trans folk who call themselves gay. Don't feel guilty. I get it, it feels like a betrayal.