keep putting it out there. You never know how it will affect people. They don't want to hear it because they are trying to silence and suppress their own doubt. I heard of one detransitioner when I was living in the lifestyle, and it drove me crazy. I never forgot. And, when I finally decide to detransition, I had hope that somone had been there. Keep sharing!

I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through. I too have been sick most of life since I was born. I know what it is like to feel chronically ill. I am so thankful you decided not to transition. I know that it must be difficult living as a smaller man, but it does not make you less of a man. I agree that you can go to the gym and gain strength, and that is a really good thing, especially for men. God can give you the inner strength that you really need and heal those areas of brokenness where you feel less than. He did not create you to be less of a man. Maybe He wants to use you to show the world what real strength looks like. You may not believe in Jesus Christ like I do, and I won't push that. But I will share what He has taught me if you want to hear it. Jesus gives us strength when we are weak so that others will see what He can do in their lives. The apostle Paul had a "thorn in his flesh" (some kind of health problem, we do not know for sure). But this is what God told him, "...In order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 2:7-10). I hope this is encouraging. It has greatly encouraged me.

Transitioning was the biggest mistake of my life. I am FTM, not MTF, so I know the surgeries are different, but I would do ANYTHING to have my ovaries and uterus and whatever else they removed back. I recently got married to an amazing man and God has really restored so much of my life. But getting married has also made me realize the horror of what I have done and that I cannot have a baby with him. Even if we adopted, I will never know the joy of having my own child. I did not want to have kids for years, but now the pain of knowing I cannot is unbearable. You may want that someday and you may regret it the rest of your life. I would highly recommend a book called "Trans Life Survivors" by my friend Walt Heyer or another one by Rene Jax called "Don't Get on the Plane".

My dysphoria completely went away after I forgave those who had hurt me, dealt with the trauma, and stopped comparing myself to others. So much of gender dysphoria is rooted in jealousy, bitterness, and self-hatred. It may not go away entirely for some, but I think it will lessen over time as you work on these things. Medical transition seemed to help at first because it helped me escape the pain of not liking myself, but after several years the dysphoria was far worse because it was not real. I was reminded every single day I was living a lie. Transition can only give you the appearance of the opposite sex. But your sex chromosomes are in every single cell of your body. There are over 6,500 biological differences between men and women. You can't become the opposite sex. But as you practice forgiveness and let go of the lies you believe about your own sex for whatever reason, I think you will find healing. I know not everyone believes in God, but Jesus has brought this healing for me.

I fully pass as female now without any problems, but I think the key is the inner healing that has taken place. When I gave my life to Jesus, He began to heal from me the trauma, emotional wounds, lies I had believed, bitterness, jealousy, etc... that led to my believing I was trans in the first place. As I began to be healed on the inside, the outside began to feminize more and more. Today, most people are shocked I ever lived as transgender. Forgiveness is huge. Bitterness will make you hard, puts up walls, and cuts off femininity. Feminity is vulnerable. If you keep the walls up you will continue to present a masculine energy.

As far as my voice, it goes up and down just like it did before. A throat or sinus infection makes it sound lower. But overall it continues to improve over the years.

Thank you for speaking about the implants. I got implants this summer and I hate them. I'm grateful for them in one sense, but I am constantly reminded that they aren't real. I can feel them move inside slightly when my husband massages them. And there are many other problems. It makes me so mad that trans activists are saying if you change your mind about being trans later you can just get implants. It's such a lie.

my face did change while on T, but slowly went back over the years. I think it was about two years in when I really looked like my high school photo again (although regrettably much older, lol). I did not start T until I was 25 and fully grown physically, but it still affected my facial appearance significantly. My voice has actually nearly reversed as well, but I think that might be a miracle of God. I have prayed for Him to heal it, and as far I know it does not revert naturally. But maybe others have found it does, I am just going by what I was told.

I am so sorry for all you are going through. I hear your pain through your words. I cannot imagine being forced to transition by someone you loved and trusted.

I remember when I detransitioned and how hopeless I felt at first. Have you ever noticed that most people don't like themselves at least at some point in their lives? Most don't say it probably, but I have read thousands of stories and watched many videos. Most people compare themselves to others and feel they fall short of what they should be or want to be. I won't force my beliefs on anyone, but I believe it is because God created us for a world without any pain, suffering, or brokenness. Because mankind chose their own path, to disobey, and to rebel against Him, sin entered the world. As a result, we are all under the curse of sin. Every one of us has been hurt by others and we in turn have hurt others. We all have this great desire to be greater than who we are, to be made whole again, for the brokenness to be healed, to be restored. Jesus died for our sin and conquered death by being raised from the dead. For those who repent of their sin and commit their lives by faith in Him, He promises that we will be "born again" - literally become a new person. He will put a new heart in us, a new spirit, restore our lives, heal our brokenness, and restore the years that the locusts have eaten. There is hope! Jesus loves you so much! You can be made whole again. It takes time, but Jesus is bringing so much healing to my life. Over the years my mind, appearance, and emotions have been significantly healed, although it is still a work in progress.

I was on T for 8 years. "T" made me extremely intolerant to heat and I felt unbearably hot most of the time. It got even worse after my hysterectomy. I was very irritable and had my emotions felt dead. My blood got very thick and my hematocrit levels were dangerously high. I had to have a therapeutic blood withdraw regularly. (It was supposed to be monthly, but it was inconvenient and took too long and I often skipped appointments). I also had trouble with my heart racing out of the blue once in a while, but not regularly. I had trouble with blood pressure but it was never officially diagnosed. But sometimes I would get really light-headed and dizzy when standing. I also gained a ton of weight, despite working out pretty regularly, which is the opposite of what they said would happen.

I found that dealing with the trauma healed all of the addictive tendencies. Although I still struggle sometimes with craving sweets and that kind of thing, I am no longer addicted to T, to alcohol, to cigarettes, etc... Trying to stop an addiction without dealing with the source is like stopping pain medication when you have gangrene spreading from a broken bone. You have to deal with the source of the pain or you will always crave a way to cover it. Counseling can help, but ultimately I have found that Jesus has brought far more healing to my soul than I ever could have. I couldn't fix my brokenness, but He has.