My name isn't important. I’m just a woman who married a man I thought I knew. This is my story, pieced together from what I lived through and what I’ve since learned.

I met my ex-husband and he presented himself as a cisgender, heterosexual man. We fell in love, got married, and I believed we were building a life together. Looking back, I think he was deeply messed up from his childhood. He grew up in a very conservative, homophobic, and Catholic farming family. I believe he was probably quite an effeminate child who was taught not to be himself and was groomed to "act like a boy." He created a false self and lived his entire life hiding; I don't think he ever learned how to be honest in a relationship.

After we were married, our sex life fell apart and it caused me so much grief. I’m now pretty sure he was secretly taking testosterone blockers the whole time we were together. He was not transparent with me at all. He sprung everything on me without warning and was completely disrespectful of my boundaries. He is a manipulative narcissist, and I sometimes wonder if he asked me to marry him just so I would be hooked in when he started his secret transition. He would get mad at me for having emotions and insisted I should have no problem with him transitioning.

What I went through is what some people online call being a "trans widow." It’s a term for a straight woman who married what she thought was a cis hetero man, and then the man comes out as trans. I’ve seen people get upset about the term, but I’ve also seen actual widows speak up and say they think what we go through is worse than a death. I don't know if it's worse, but it is a unique kind of loss and betrayal. You grieve the person you thought you married and the future you planned together. The person is still alive, but they are gone to you.

I tried to find support in online groups, but it was hard. There used to be some private subs for women like me, but they were difficult to find. The tragedy of it all really hit me when I learned that one of the mods of a support group took her own life the year before. Her husband was being so abusive, insisting she have no problem with his transition and getting mad at her for her feelings. It’s a devastatingly common story.

I know that in some rare cases, it can be different. I’ve heard of friends of friends where the husband was considerate, transitioned at a pace the wife was comfortable with, and they were both transparent about their feelings. But that was not my experience. Most of the time, from what I've seen, the partners have their own timeline and don't consider their wives.

I thought about trying to have our marriage annulled. In most states, you can have a marriage annulled if you can prove a person knew they were LGBT and claimed to be straight and heterosexual when you married. Some religions will annul the marriage without needing that proof. But it’s a really big pain, and I just wanted to get out as fast as possible.

Now, I’m left to pick up the pieces. I would say about half of the trans widows I know spend years, sometimes decades, without dating or having sex. I haven't been on more than two dates in three years. I don't know if I will ever trust a man, or anyone, again.

Here is a timeline of my journey based on what I know and when I found things out: