The title reads a bit like shaking a magic 8 ball, but what it ultimately sounds like is you’ve realized transition hasn’t actually solved any larger existential dilemmas.

From one transhet girl to another, I feel you on chunks of this, and then in other ways, I don’t relate at all.

I pass well enough that I’m treated fine. Never misgendered and people are usually quite polite, but I do feel clockable. I just think society is really mostly not out to cause waves in real life. Online, they’re pretty fucking awful, but in the moment, if I get clocked, over 99% of the time the person is keeping it to themselves. Weirdly, this doesn’t help me any. Because not being clocked to your face has the maddening cumulative effect of not really knowing where you must truly stand in the minds of others. Is that a narcissistic trait one can own without the internet raising its pitchforks to shout “NARCISSIST!”?

As for what cis people in the workplace say about trans people in pop culture, have you not seen this movie already a thousand times? Lol... I’m not sure how old you are or if you’re receptive to tough love, but honey, that’s pretty low on the list of things to be upset about as a trans person. Let them think what they want. Many trans people face way worse than petty gossip. Just my two cents.

Anyhow, I haven’t had any surgeries. I don’t feel they make you “a woman”... I also take the stance, as a trans woman, that part of forming allies is accepting a strict degree of difference between a cis woman and a trans woman. It’s not just bodies. No amount of surgery is going to undo the generational learnings and teachings of natal cis women. So to your one point, sure, getting more work done may make you feel better for a few months, but I don’t think it’s going to prevent people from seeing you fully as a male once they find out you’re trans, and if you want to be one of those people who chases procedures their whole life just to make absolutely certain no one knows, then you do you... but what helped me make peace was to refer to myself first and foremost as a trans woman. Not a woman. Just a trans woman. We occupy a space of our own. No one else is going to make that space bright for us if we refuse to and just chase after being cis for our whole transition. It’s impossible.

I’ve been considering a detransition myself. Not sure if that’s why you’ve posted here, but in any case, i hope you can find some meaningful support. It’s hard times out there for us. Quarantine has put a lifestyle mandate on everyone to match what I’ve already been living now for years since I started transitioning. Sounds like that isn’t the case for you and you like the outside world a great deal. Best of luck coping, girl. Keep yo chin up.

Not entirely sure it’s any of her business regardless of her being family, but that’s just my take. It isn’t something you have to explain or justify to anyone. I think sometimes we feel obligated to overshare private matters with family because we feel like they “should” be able to absorb the information and because they are family, they should accept us... but how often does this really create a headache and rifts that wouldn’t otherwise need to be there? You are not your lack of breasts and I think when people don’t understand an issue, they hyperfocus on the small things. Hopefully she isn’t the type to make you feel reduced in some way or lacking as a person simply because they are gone from your body. In your shoes, I wouldn’t want to be have a discussion with anyone, even family, about why my body is the way it is. Particularly as it relates to detransition and its associated permanent body changes.

It comes down to a handful of questions you could ask of yourself before you proceed...

1. What private life exists for you in your family space. I think most people are entitled to far more privacy than they allow themselves to have.
2. Is telling her going to trigger you in any way if she responds poorly? How thick is your skin related to other people’s benign ignorance?
3. If not, how will it benefit your relationship with her if you explain it all in detail?
4. What are the chances she will ask invasive and lengthy follow up questions about other aspects, psychological issues of your transition just from that initial curiosity about your top surgery?
5. Is it important for you personally that she understand what you went through?
6. If she’s capable of understanding, is it worth it to you to go through that journey of explanation.
7. Is her age a factor in needing to explain any of this?

Wishing you the best, regardless of what you decide to do.

I feel you, girl! I’m in the same boat. I wouldn’t expect too much from this place in terms of a warm embrace. Lots of gender critical replies are inevitably going to flood in to remind you, as tho you’re unaware, that you were born male. I know it isn’t helpful to hear that, but I want to warn you.

I too feel like there’s nothing to gain from detransitioning or continuing transition. In a sense, I need to find some place entirely new in which I can plant a goal post.

I am in limbo with going off HRT myself (I’m MTF, like you), but what I’ve done in recent weeks is list all of the things I hoped for with transition. All of my motivations, and I looked at which are considered healthy for my life and which are considered unhealthy (once you remove the justification you have for claiming they are indeed healthy). Possibly something you could try, tho for your safety I’d not recommend sharing the list on here. Notice which one or two on the list jumps out first and maybe ask any existing therapist for their thoughts.

One of the therapists I saw to prepare for transition had 20 years of experience treating trans people. I emailed her since I no longer live in the same state, and I plainly asked for a recap on where we left off. From here I added to my list. And even realized some of my initial goals weren’t really goals so much as they were suppositions. Transition, as it is really just a matter of time, has a way of shifting your goals and priorities. It’s about getting older, mostly, but also gaining new perspective.

What sorts of things do you want that could, in the long run, not really serve you? What sorts of things are timeless when invested in? Friendship? Art? Healthy habits? I am staunchly against most of the cosmetic altering people insist is necessary to be trans, and that’s a bad stance to have as a tranny, but I’m going to get shit on by someone no matter what, so I may as well be open about the controversial topics.

I think it may be a bit misguided to think surgeries will improve anything in your life *IN THE LONG TERM. Hormones are one thing. It’s possible to do a great deal of performative and social detransitioning while remaining on hormones for their preferred psychological and physical effects. I do think this has one point it’s contingent on tho, and that’s keeping up with bloodwork monitoring as bodies and metabolism change with age.

If you don’t see a therapist currently, I’d encourage finding one. And I promise you, this place is anything but therapeutic most of the time. There’s lots of heavy hitting people who are on the spectrum and don’t really know or even care about how their words look and sound to others. I really hope you can find some calmness to reflect on what you’re going through. I know the external world gets loud and a lot of times that contributes to how we feel we must live our lives, and when we are trans, it seems like the world is even louder. Do this. Don’t do that. You’re inadequate without this. You’re inadequate without that. You’re inadequate no matter what cause you’re trans. On and on!! (erkyah badu voice)

I think finding time to dig deep on this is key, without excessive input from others. And on that note, what better time for me to stop talking?

Good luck! :)

Therapists do not prescribe cross-sex hormones. Psychiatrists technically can, but shouldn’t and most don’t because they can and do fall high risk for lawsuits. Given the license they hold, they technically can write the scripts, but the trouble is, proper HRT protocol involves extensive bloodwork monitoring if done properly, and this is generally considered out of a psychiatrist’s scope of practice, because HRT and BW monitoring involves a full medical history and assessment of any underlying conditions, comorbidities, and risk factors, many of which are in the realm of internal medicine (cardiology, endocrinology, etc.)

Collaborative medicine is absolutely a thing in the field of psychiatry. Some MDs have patients on psych meds they don’t like or feel comfortable prescribing since they aren’t a psych, particularly if these meds are contraindicated based on other meds their patient is already taking. Some psychiatrists have patients who receive bloodwork monitoring for meds they take and they keep in touch with and receive lab reports from the patient’s MD. This, in theory, is a viable option for trans HRT, but generally I’ve found most new to HRT aren’t even going to their local GP and asking. The majority I SEE in the communities around me are specifically going to doctors with existing trans clientele, be it standard MDs or endocrinologists (boarded beyond their MD). The majority are nervous enough to start as it is and they want the peace of mind knowing their doc has actually treated and is presently managing trans patients. Psychiatrists and licensed therapists can and frequently do provide referrals to said doctors with existing trans clientele.

I also think GP doctors who are unfamiliar with trans medicine are more likely to not prescribe at all and instead defer/refer to a colleague or another practitioner who sees trans cases. Also, where you live and what insurance you have/don’t have impacts this. There are numerous factors. Are there cases of doctors who don’t defer to colleagues and end up coerced into prescribing HRT? Yeah im quite sure this happens. Is it the majority? I very much doubt it, especially as of the changes seen in the 21st century, given how many major cities have resources available specifically for trans people, and how many trans people will actually travel to obtain care, doctors in these areas know facilities for trans medicine exist and since many older docs have already gone through medical school during a time when they received almost no instruction on HRT beyond its indications for treating conditions in cis people, they likely refer to the specialized clinics.

It’s also important to understand that trans HRT protocols and workup standards vary widely from place to place, especially between countries.

Honestly, I hear you on the lack of HSTS presence here. I feel like that alone creates this assumption that I must be here with some sort of agenda, but I genuinely am trying to sort this out. Therapists are nauseatingly biased in either direction so I’m just trying all my options to find any voices who relate. I’m too scared to post my story on here.

I appreciate your reply! I’m not sure if you’re saying you fit the AGP or HSTS model, or even if it’s fair to assume you felt you were one or the other to begin with. I think society is learning that there’s a difference between AGP and HSTS types, even if some exceptions don’t neatly fit either category. I used to actually defend AGP trans women when cis people would talk shit on them while comparing them negatively to me. Now, given how most of the shit I get in the trans community COMES FROM AGPs who bully me for not being enough of a bimbo with my clothing, I’m ready to just stay silent when cis people shit talk them for their clockability.

Where my doubts come in and leave is another conversation which I think I’m trying to weirdly initiate with the jealousy topic. There’s a lot to share that I have yet to see here, but I have decided to give it a week or so to see what responses this gets. I agree with you, stealth is the goal — is my goal. But I’m also not the type to lie about being trans, or to deny my male biology or pretend it isn’t a thing. It’s weird to want stealth but also to not play the “im a WOMAN” card.

I love what you said about staying out the trans community. Socially, I ditched it about a year ago and I felt better ever since. I was labeled truscum and decided I’d do us both a favor and vanish.

I understand the questions are a lot but if you ever did want to answer them later, I’d love to hear what you think. :)

Again, it depends on where you live. Letters are not universally required. Some places allow for informed consent, self-referring to docs and endocrinologists who prescribe.

Personally, I had years of psychotherapy prior to hormones. I didn’t even need it because I lived in an informed consent region of the US, but I still saw three separate therapists before finalizing my decision to start HRT.

Some therapists are very thorough and very reluctant to start patients on HRT. Others are more passive and let their patient decide. It’s important for you to understand there’s a distinct difference between the two, lol.