My name isn't important, but my story is. I’m a female, and I want to share my experience with transitioning and detransitioning in my own words.

It all started when I was 13. I experienced a severe sexual trauma. I didn't have any support; no insurance, a bad home life, and living in a rural area meant I never got the psychological help I desperately needed. I believe that if I had gotten that help, my entire story might be different.

After the trauma, I became disgusted by my body as it developed during puberty. I hated my breasts. I know now, looking back, that I was subconsciously blaming my feminine body for what had been done to me. I was running from being a woman because being a woman felt dangerous and painful.

At 14, I socially transitioned to male. I was what people would call FTM. I associated with a lot of other FTM people online and in person, and many of them had stories just like mine. I strongly believe a huge part of my desire to transition, and theirs, was rooted in internalized misogyny that came from sexual trauma. I was deeply confused about female masculinity and what it meant to be a butch or masculine woman. I was also a "fujoshi" as a teenager, which means I was really into a certain type of male/male romantic fiction. It wasn't a fetish for me, though. I now see it was because I was incredibly uncomfortable with female sexuality because of my trauma, some of which was inflicted by another female. Taking women out of the equation entirely made thinking about sexuality easier for me to handle. My discomfort with being a sexual female and my desire to become a man were completely intertwined.

I never medically transitioned. Thankfully, because of my circumstances—no access to care—I was protected from making permanent changes to my body. I see now that this was a blessing. I get very upset when people compare medical transition as a minor to something reversible like dropping out of high school. You can always get a GED. You can't get your fertility or your natural body back after some procedures.

I socially identified as male from 14 until I was 18. That's when I hit a breaking point. My mental health was getting worse and worse. I knew, deep down, that I had only transitioned to cope with my trauma. I was avoiding confronting all the awful things that had happened to me. I finally reached a crossroads where I had to choose: either confront my demons or I wouldn't make it. So, at 18, I chose to live. I socially detransitioned and went back to identifying as female.

Detransitioning was just one part of a much bigger healing process. I refused to take back my abusive ex. I confronted my parents about trauma they had inflicted on me and I came clean about the other trauma I’d experienced. We forgave each other and rebuilt our relationship. I stopped self-loathing and started working on myself. It hasn't been a straight line to happiness, but I've been exponentially happier since I stopped running from my problems.

I’ve always been a spiritual person, and that continued before, during, and after being trans. I’ve never been into organized religion and I don't believe in a vengeful God. I don't think being trans is a sin. But my relationship with God did get stronger after I detransitioned. It wasn't because I went back to being female; it was because of my overall journey toward confronting trauma and finally finding self-acceptance.

I don't regret my transition in the sense that it was a path I had to walk to get to where I am now. But I do regret that I ever felt that was my only option. I wish I had gotten the right kind of therapy from the beginning. My experience has made me understand why some trans people might see detransitioners as a threat, but I think that reaction comes from a place of insecurity. If someone is truly comfortable in their own gender identity, someone else’s personal journey shouldn’t affect them.

I’m sharing this because I’m grateful for others who have shared their stories. I usually can't speak publicly because of the controversy and the potential harm to my mental well-being, but I hope putting this here helps someone else feel less alone.

Here is a timeline of my journey: