This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. The user demonstrates consistent, nuanced, and self-reflective engagement with the complex topic of questioning gender identity and the potential for regret. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic user. The language is personal, detailed, and shows a clear evolution of thought over time, which is consistent with a genuine desister or questioning individual.
About me
I started identifying as male at 12, feeling like an outsider and escaping into online worlds. I considered medical transition in my twenties while struggling with depression and anxiety, but I was terrified of permanent changes like a deeper voice. I realized I needed to try living as a woman first to see if my problems were really about gender. After experimenting with my presentation, I found my issues were more about my mental health than being the wrong sex. I'm now grateful I waited, as I've learned to be okay with being a woman who doesn't fit a stereotypical mold.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was around 12 years old. I started identifying as trans then, but I never really thought of myself as a "failed woman." It was just how I saw myself. I was always an outsider and had a lot of trouble making friends throughout school. I felt jealous of both popular girls and boys who seemed to have an easier time socially. I also spent a long time deeply involved in online fanfic culture that focused on male characters, and I heavily projected myself onto them.
I started seriously questioning whether to medically transition in my late teens and early twenties. I was in a pretty bad place mentally and I believe I had undiagnosed depression. I also wondered if being bullied as a child affected how I felt about my gender, but I could never be sure. My low self-esteem and social anxiety made it hard to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I spent a long time thinking about the effects of testosterone. I didn't have any strong "no's" to most of the changes, except I really didn't want my voice to change. My main feeling was "sure, as long as it makes me look more like a man." But I also got very depressed thinking about the things hormones couldn't change, like my height or the width of my hips. My ideal was always to live completely stealth as a man, not to be seen as a "trans guy."
I struggled a lot with the idea of what it would mean to be a woman. I consider myself bisexual but prefer men, and I felt that if I were a woman, I would essentially be a straight one. But I didn't feel like I could be a straight girl. I like masculine short haircuts, baggy clothes, I hate makeup and shaving, and I'm frequently mistaken for a butch lesbian. I found it hard to believe any man would be attracted to the kind of woman I would be, which made the idea of detransitioning feel like it would limit my romantic options even more.
I was very influenced by what I read online, and I was always afraid of ending up with a therapist who would just affirm me without offering other solutions. I wanted a therapist who would help me impartially examine my situation. I started to see medically transitioning as a last resort because of its extreme and permanent effects. I began to wonder if I hadn't given womanhood a real shot and if I could learn to be happy without transitioning.
The biggest thing that helped me was the idea of waiting and experimenting. I realized that if there was any chance I would regret it, I shouldn't do it. You can always put it off and do it later if you become more sure, but you can't take it back once it's done. I decided to try to live without transitioning first. I tried to present as a girl in public, in places where no one knew me, to get the full "cis girl" experience and just try to forget about gender and be myself. I had to logically talk myself into this because my gut reaction was always to just transition.
I’ve come to believe that a lot of my issues weren't solely about gender. They were also about depression, anxiety, and feeling like an outsider. I don't have any regrets about transitioning because I never medically transitioned. I only transitioned socially by identifying as male for many years. I'm grateful I waited and experimented, because it showed me that I could find a way to be okay without making permanent changes to my body. I now think that for me, transitioning was a form of escapism from other problems I didn't know how to solve.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's incredibly complex and personal. There's no one way to be a man or a woman. For anyone questioning, I strongly recommend waiting, experimenting with presentation, and dealing with any other mental health issues first before considering irreversible medical steps.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 12 | Began identifying as transgender and male. |
| Late teens - early 20s | Seriously began questioning medical transition, struggled with depression and anxiety. |
| 22 | Started actively experimenting with presenting as female in public to test my feelings. |
| 23 | Decided against medical transition after a period of reflection and experimentation. |
Top Comments by /u/vox1028:
it's because we're letting people make elective irreversible medical decisions during the most impressionable and impulsive stage in their lives. of course some (many, even) of those people will make the wrong decisions and regret it, when waiting just a few years longer would have prevented it in the first place.
the only ones I can think of off the top of my head are Caitlyn Jenner and Elliott Page. if there are more B-list celebrities coming out as trans, I haven't heard of them, and I doubt they would really have any impact on anyone outside of their following
if you feel there's any chance you will regret it, don't go through with it. you can always put it off now and do it later if you feel more sure about it, but once it's done you can't go back and you no longer have the option to think about it. there is no rush, you have the rest of your life to decide so why push forward if you're not sure?
If you were in a bad place when you made the decision to transition and you think that was why it might have been the wrong thing to do, and you are in a bad place again right now, I would advise against making any other big decisions at the moment. This is definitely something you would want to think about when you're in a stable headspace. You should talk to a medical professional about how you're feeling to see if perhaps you have some sort of mood disorder, and deal with that first.
it's exceedingly rare for women to have fetishes
I can only laugh at this. Women absolutely can and do have fetishes all the time. I would not be surprised if research into this is skewed by outdated ideas of women as having little or no sexual desire of their own, so maybe enough women simply haven't be consulted in the collection of this data. I am biologically female -- no hormones, no surgery, absolutely no physical alterations to my natural body -- and I have multiple fetishes. Fetishes are not a man-only thing.
In regards to your specific situation, and how you have suddenly developed a paraphilia after previously feeling asexual while on T, it could be that the change of hormones is affecting you, but it could also be something purely psychological. If it is distressing you then I suggest speaking to a psychologist.
thanks for sharing, i honestly think your decision to make a real attempt at life without transitioning was a good call and i'm glad it worked out for you. i've thought of that before and logically i know it would be a smart thing to do, but it feels very uncomfortable. i wouldn't even know where to start because i feel like i have no idea how to be a woman. of course i know there's no singular way a woman can be, but if i were a woman i would essentially be straight in practice (i consider myself bisexual, but i prefer men) and i find it very hard to believe that many men would be attracted to the kind of woman i would be -- for example, i like masculine short haircuts and baggy clothes and i hate makeup and shaving my body, among other things. i am frequently mistaken for a butch lesbian, and as such it's been a really long time since i attracted any males. i know all this sounds very superficial but my point is that i don't feel at all like i can be properly described as a straight girl, and my romantic/sexual options would be even more limited than they are now.
Thank you for the extensive & detailed response. Your experiences sound a lot like mine. I have considered whether the fact that I was bullied as a child affected the way I feel about my gender now but I keep flip flopping about it. I believe I have depression but that hasn't been diagnosed or treated.
Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like "try it and find out" was the only option that would've worked for you.
Do you mind if I ask for more clarification on your transition timeline? Such as when you began questioning / when you began transitioning / how long you were transitioning before you decided to stop? I completely understand if you don't wish to share this information though.
honestly this sub is probably not the best place to be asking a question like that since it's pretty much against the rules for someone to say yes. also your post includes no information on how you feel or why you're questioning. you should spend some time trying things out independently and talking to a therapist. good luck
The best, and perhaps the only way to truly know if any feeling is truly a "phase" is to wait. Put off medically transitioning for a few years and commit yourself to making the most of life as you can without it. You may end up finding that you feel fine enough as you are to continue that way, or you may conclusively decide you do not. Either way you'll have an answer and from there, a path.
I also cannot recommend experimentation enough. It is critical. You cannot know what you want to do without having tried to do things already. Try presenting as a girl in public. If you can, try going places where nobody knows you (read: where nobody knows you identify as trans) so you can get the full "cis girl" experience. Do this multiple times and for as long as possible each time. Try to forget about gender issues while you are doing this and just do what comes naturally. If you are able to let go of the context of "questioning" and simply view it as being who you are, you may find that you are not uncomfortable with it -- or you may find that you really deeply are. Again, either way, you are gathering knowledge about yourself that you can use to make a fully educated decision about your future.
And there are no traits that make a person inherently trans or not. Everybody is different. Liking punk rock and men doesn't make you one way or the other. So don't fixate on that.
Good luck
If those options were not there what would you do?
I study history so I often ask myself questions like, what would I do if I had been born 500 years in the past with no access to the kinds of medical transitioning options that exist today? And the answer is that I can see myself still wanting to "crossdress" or "pretend" to be a man, assuming it would be safe to do so... which it probably wouldn't be, so I guess I would have just lived as an unsatisfied woman. I suppose I could do that now too, and try to learn to accept myself, which is hopefully possible. Honestly my gut reaction is to transition, but I tend to put more importance on logic than feeling.
Edit: To a certain extent I agree that most issues like this can be "solved" through personal reflection. But another part of me believes that it's best to just go with what feels right, since life is short and true psychological change of this magnitude can take a long time, if it happens at all.