This is not the place to torture yourself and be bullied into either of the choices; whether continuing transitioning or to detransition. I'm sure you've already received several DMs from people who either think they know the best in the entire world or want nothing else than to make you miserable, but this isn't the way. Opinions of others won't help you discover and understand yourself. Do you truly want to detransition just because you're worried about your appearance? Is there really nothing else at play? Did you start HRT just because you wanted to be (more) attractive? I think you should take time to think about this decision more deeply.

I'm going to be honest but that's bullshit. All this "male loneliness epidemic" shit popping up now, and how women apparently experience "time of sisterhood and acceptance" in your words... no. I'm a female and I've never experienced any of that either. I've been lonely for my entire life as well. Excluded from social groups, bullied for my entire school years, at 18 not once been asked out or even complimented by anyone but my mom. None of that had to do with transition either. But apparently that doesn't matter, because I've even heard men claim that "women could never experience this kind of loneliness as deeply as men do", as if we're some kind of an inferior species. And regarding relationships, I have it hard either way considering I'm a lesbian and no one is going to approach me if I just sit back and wait. Believe me that straight women have to filter out a lot of men who are clearly too immature to have a serious monogamous relationship as well.

And not all men are lonely either, a lot of them have many friends, they just correlate lack of a romantic relationship = loneliness instead of building deeper friendships with their male friends instead. It's a common misconception, especially among young men as I'm noticing, that emotional support and closeness are things reserved solely for your romantic partner. It's not true. You can have the same kind of deep, meaningful relationships that include no sex or romance at all with people you're not attracted to. In a way, it's even better, as it's guaranteed it will stay this way and there will be no drama about one party developing feelings but the other not, and after friendzone we all know the awkwardness is too much for the relationship to ever be the same again. But of course, there has to be effort put into it; establishing genuine trust and mutual boundaries, which most men would preferably not bother with and just chat with their buddies about videogames. And so here we are, with women getting blamed for choosing to be single and childless more and more (can you blame them?).

Women don't detransition because "being a man is actually harder". Women don't even have equal rights yet over the world, and even in western countries we're still mistreated and oversexualized and treated as less capable than men. In the US out of all places, women's reproductive rights are being taken away once again. To think that women have it easier in life just because yeah, true, it's easier for us to find a desperate man in a nightclub or on a dating app to fuck, - but tell me how exactly would a one night stand solve any other issues in our lives? - is frankly completely ignorant and only something a male would say.

Yeah, I understand about cases through public healthcare but seeking out a private provider yourself is a different thing and the whole thing can quickly become a bit iffy. There are some things that public healthcare either doesn't offer or only provides to a small amount of people. Lawsuits like this could end up limiting what private practitioners are allowed to do with consenting patients even in other cases unrelated to gender dysphoria. Can someone get cosmetic plastic surgery, as it's technically not considered necessary, if they may end up regretting it? Age of majority exists for a reason, it's one thing if OP was a minor at the time, but at a certain point you become responsible for your own actions and their consequences, and have to own up to them despite your regrets

I felt relieved when I stopped trying to pass. I never successfully did anyway, but it was such a stressful feeling to constantly be worrying about the way strangers perceive me, how I should be standing a bit more like this and if my clothes or hair are too much like that... when I already have social anxiety to begin with. All the online advice on how to pass is really just how to make yourself better fit into an arbitrary box of stereotypes. I was only changing my appearance and others' perception of me, but I could never change and escape being biologically female.

The fact that women have it easier finding a man willing to sleep with them than the opposite is simply true. Just look at the prevalence of incel communities and the fact that many women are refusing to have sex with men nowadays due to all the negatives - possibility of pregnancy and all kinds of birth control messing with hormones and consequently mental and physical health, while the guy will often not even want to wear a condom. So I don't understand what you're trying to say. Casual sex doesn't equal any kind of a meaningful or intimate relationship with that person. It doesn't mean you suddenly have someone you can trust and they will be there for you and all your issues - they will most likely not ever see you again, or if they do they'll only care about your body and what you can provide for them physically.

Sex can be fun and make you feel better in the moment, but the next morning you're going to feel as lonely as before, maybe even worse due to knowing you slept with a complete stranger out of desperation. Perhaps now you can brag about increased body count or even losing your virginity, but sex (especially with a stranger and not a partner you already have an intimate bond with) will not give you the solution to all other issues as it's often portrayed, especially in certain places online. It's not the same thing at all as long-term genuine intimacy and mutual trust with someone as you're implying. And I don't see how any of that negates my other points.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate in certain ways. I hate being a woman and all the consequences it has, both physically and emotionally and on a societal level. We suffer so many disadvantages simply because of how we were unlucky enough to be born. I hate it, too. I wish I had been born as a man because things would be so much easier that way.

Having higher testosterone levels never changed my energy levels or emotional state, so I can't provide any personal insight on that. But I feel the exact same way regarding periods coming back. They don't cause me emotional issues, but they do cause me severe pain for no apparent reason, so I don't even have a diagnosis for why it hurts so much I've had to resort to buying opiate painkillers that no doctor wants to prescribe me illegally many times. I'm worried I'm going to get regular periods back very soon because of some symptoms I've been experiencing lately, and I'm dreading it. I've also tried birth control before, but it affected me horribly emotionally. I talked about all this with my gynecologist and she prescribed me a different type of birth control to try this time, saying it should be less likely to have side effects, but I'm not very optimistic. Maybe something like an implant or a patch or the Depo shot would work better for you than the pill (assuming they gave you that) as well? Just something to consider, if you're willing to try that route again. Reading some more of your comments, would surgical treatments that'd permanently stop your period perhaps be applicable in your case and where you live? Maybe you should think about that possibility. It's awful, as you've said, experiencing an improvement only for it all to return.

Have you talked to a doctor about the lack of energy and strength to work? I know certain mild stimulants can be prescribed for issues like that, at least in certain places. Modafinil can be prescribed for excessive daytime sleepiness related to certain sleep disorders - though I don't know whether you'd need a specific diagnosis or your doctor would be willing to prescribe it just based on the symptoms, but I think it'd be worth asking. But it's definitely not the only medication, I don't know of any other but they may be able to give you something else. Or maybe they could at least refer you elsewhere to a different specialist, but considering you have a diagnosis of BPD I'd suggest really insisting and talking just about this specific problem (and not everything in general like in this post, but just the health issues), and emphasize how much it affects you and your ability to function, because healthcare professionals are unfortunately known to write everything off to the mental health issues, especially with more complex disorders.

Since you're also having emotional issues, if you'd be willing to try an antidepressant, Wellbutrin typically helps people get more energy, and is one of the few antidepressants that doesn't have the typical side effects such as increased tiredness, lack of sex drive and weight gain, if those are a concern.

These are just suggestions though. I don't know what's your stance on relying on medication to function, but considering your current issues, if you don't find a way to improve the situation and remove some of the stressing factors, it will only get worse and you'll be even more burned out - which doctors could again only blame on BPD and refuse to look at the external factors.

Regarding physical weakness, it's another unfortunate thing women suffer from. The typical advice is to start working out, but I completely understand you're not able to in such conditions and with an already stressful job. But perhaps something like short light walks could help you relax a little bit, I know that it makes some people feel better to get some sunlight, especially now in the colder and darker months.

About the financial issues and not being able to get a different job: maybe this is a complete shot in the dark considering I live in a different part of the world, but what are the programs of social support services like in your state? I know that where I live, if you're unemployed or work for a job that pays below minimum wage, you can apply for financial assistance. It's not a lot, it's meant to just help you get by, but imo it would be worth researching possibilities in your case. Because even temporarily living off government money is better than selling yourself - please, I can feel you're desperate, but that will only make your situation even worse and harder if not impossible to escape. If you see a doctor, you should also ask them whether all of your health issues regarding periods (have you been tested for endometriosis?) and severe BPD could qualify you for disability money. Also, do you have any family members you can rely on for help, either financially or with housing? Would you risk losing your job if you temporarily committed yourself to a psych hospital, considering you're suicidal?

Either way, please consider consulting someone who works somewhere they could help you with your current health and work and financial situation. Maybe you could get some good advice and help to find a way out of there. But even out of desperation, don't let yourself resort to selling yourself, or even if it may sound tempting, to taking illegal drugs to increase your energy and work performance again. I know you didn't mention this anywhere in your post but still figured I should warn you. I've used illegal drugs to cope with my mental health issues, and it always only helps temporarily. Ask any other addict and they will tell you the same. It's only going to make things far worse down the line. Once you're addicted to something, you have to fight internally to stay off of it for the rest of your life. It's really not another issue you want to give yourself.

Sorry about the long comment, I hope any of this will be at least slightly useful to you. If possible, try faking sickness and taking a few days off, or vacation if you have any free days. You very clearly need a break from everything.

Just to clarify, I'm not some kind of a traditionalist conservative against hookups or whatever or trying to assign any moral meaning to them, but it's simply a fact that casual sex is merely a very temporary solution. If it's only done out of loneliness, as in someone is unable to find a stable long-term partner for whatever reason and so they sleep around a lot, it can even be a form of escapism, which is unhealthy and does not address the root issue.

I'm very well aware how it's like to be touch starved and lonely. But would the embrace of a complete stranger who only values him for his body really give a lonely man the comfort he seeks?

And as I said, the fact that the average woman finds it easier to find a one night stand (talking about straight people here - because as I've said before, even if a man was sexually interested in me, it still wouldn't give me anything or help my loneliness, the same way as you don't want anything with your male friends. So I'd need a lot of luck to find a woman interested in me for "just one night" as well, while we're at it. While at the same time, a gay man would have it much easier than a straight man) doesn't mean that women have it easier in life in general. Thinking that it does or even just assigning that much meaning to sexual relationships is an immature position on life, a lot of things matter much more than finding a partner, and it's not a good thing to constantly think about either. You won't meet someone you'll truly love and get along with for a long time by going for the first person that is interested in you, ignoring any red flags just because the status of not being single/a virgin anymore is considered more important.

And regarding why you wrote "so-called incels", I just called them what they decide to call themselves. I don't consider someone merely unable to find a relationship an incel, despite that being the original meaning, and I'm pretty sure the majority of people don't. Nowadays the term has very negative connotations, as happens with language, and the men who do use it typically hold very similar misogynistic beliefs - hence the mention of online incel communities and the effects they have on young men and their perspectives on dating (and while we're on it, how frequent porn consumption fucks up the expectations of irl sexual relationships and even the way you view other human beings, which also seems to be a growing issue in this day and age in a generation that grew up with unrestricted internet access).

But it seems like no matter what I say, you're still convinced that the ability to find a casual sex partner somehow raises the life quality for all women - even if they're not into men or not interested in sex outside of a long-term relationship for whatever reason. So I suppose whatever else I could write would still never change your mind. However, from the perspective of a lonely woman, it's not true, and a lot of women I've talked to online hold the same opinion. Sex isn't everything and it's not a cure for loneliness. If you think that it will be for you, good luck. But more than likely you'll just end up disappointed because after it's over, nothing will change.