I'm currently on 0 hormones as well. Been off T since May and my Endo refuses to treat me with E unless a Psychiatrist gives me a medical indication, which means I'd basically have to start all over just like before transitioning, which I can't and won't do. I just wouldn't be able to undergo this whole mentally draining process all over again. I still can't believe that doctors actually have the right to deny you the wish to return to your birth sex.

I understand your fear, I really do. There's so much we need to be mindful of in order to pass as female again. It's always there but I think/hope that all of this maybe gets better over time. We've been making the wrong decisions but it's not too late to go back. None of us are lost. Stay strong and don't let these negative feelings get the better of you. You are still beautiful, you are still female. No one can take that away from you. <3

I didn't undergo bottom surgery but hoo boy do I feel you, on so many levels. I've been almost the same, still am, to be honest. Had my mastek- and hysterectomy in 2012 and started HRT with T in 2011. It's taken me 8 years to come to realize that I've never really been Trans but actually had a severe body dysphoria. I've felt this pressure everytime I thought about my role as a woman in this society, how I needed to be, to dress, talk and act like in order to be accepted. I never had much breast to begin with, I had dark and thick body hair, a somewhat deeper voice than other women and I never behaved overly girly or seeked much attention from boys whatsoever. People used to treat me like garbage because of that, mocked me because of how I looked to them, asked me if I'm a 'man or a woman' just because I had I didn't want to shave my arm hairs or what little facial hair I had ( I was 16 back then ). It was a pain to me and I always wondered what I did wrong to be treated like this, that people would judge me just because I didn't look like how they wanted me to be, or like everyone else with their 'natural perfection'. I thought that maybe, if everyone sees me as male, and if God made me this way, I just have to become a guy in order to be accepted. I hated my body with a burning passion - i just didn't want to be a female any longer. It was too stressful, I couldn't live up to their expectations and I accepted the thought that I was just born in the wrong body.

I was so dysphoric about everything concerning my body and how non-typically female I looked compared to others, that I kept entertaining the idea that I was Trans. It helped me to get through depression, but it never helped the actual cause... learning to accept my body and that nobody's ever perfect. I feel ashamed everytime I try to explain myself and how terribly wrong I was about everything, but I think there's nothing I could've done differently to get through this. Transitioning was a bridge, I think, a connection to life, because I had many suicidal thoughts. But it kept me alive, busy, so to say. After years of HRT and surgeries, all that euphoric feeling had passed and slowly, it dawned on me. As I grew older, I saw certain things in a different light, thought 'hey, maybe I was just too young and under a lot of pressure? was it really the right choice? the ONLY choice I had to overcome this?' Doubts began to grow and I felt the same hopelessness as back then, only worse this time because it felt like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. I thoght I was too far in, there's no turning back now, no one will take you seriously... but I also couldn't keep on living this lie. It was eating me from inside out until I couldn't stop the tears from rolling. I just wanted to be myself again. As much as I thought that living as a cis female was a farce, it was nothing compared to the disconcerting feeling I had living as a male. It was like wearing a mask with a smile to hide the sadness underneath, a wound that got patched but never healed and the seams now start to tear, bleeding out my reality.

It took me a while but I started to learn and accept my wrong choices, and so I decided to just start from scratch, pursuing what really matters to me in life despite what others think : to just be myself. And detransitioning is the only way that feels right to me. There's so much I have to catch up on, but neither way is going to be easy. Especially now that I have to be dependent on hormones for the rest of my life.

All I can say is that, if you feel like you'll not be happy in your current state but would much rather be your true self again, go for it. It's not going to be easier than before, probably, but I think that continuing to live as Trans would be much worse to me personally. The thing with your bottom surgery is a nasty obstacle but I'm sure there's a way to tackle it out of the way! You'll find a way and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Stay strong, keep your head up. <3 (also I'm sorry for the rambling. I got carried away... you just expressed exactly what I felt this entire time and I wanted to share a bit of my story.)

That's really good news! I'm so happy for you :)

I've read a lot of what you experienced and how harsh this process must've been to you. You've gone through so much heartbreaking shit already, so hearing that something positive happened in your life is a good thing. This might be a 'baby step' but it's a step toward the right direction nonetheless.

I wish you much strength, health and power to get through this. You deserve all the right to be happy again. Stay strong and keep your head up. No one will ever take your true self away from you. <3

I'm so happy you're at peace with yourself now.

Sometimes we just need to take the complex and rocky roads to understand who we are and where we stand in life. Perhaps there are a few things I'd say I deeply regret about transitioning ... but in the end, without all these experiences, I'd have never come to understand that striving to become a man doesn't feel so right for me either. I've learned to accept my femininity and that there's a life aside from gender categorization. I just want to finally be me without feeling the need to live up to other's expectations.

Thx for sharing your stories with us. I wish you all the best for your future endeavors. Stay healthy and strong. <3

Ich kann deinen Schmerz sehr gut nachvollziehen. Dieses Gefühl der absoluten Hoffnungslosigkeit, als hätte man einen wichtigen Teil seines eigenen Ichs auf dem Weg verloren. Und auch, wenn ich selbst im Moment nicht der positivste Mensch sein kann, aufgrund der unendlichen Steine, die man mir in den Detrans-Weg legt, so möchte ich dir sagen, dass es wieder besser wird. Daran halte ich fest. Denke nicht an vergangenes sondern blicke in die Zukunft, tu dir selbst viel Gutes, sei mit Freunden unterwegs und lebe endlich so, wie du immer leben wolltest. Ich weiß, der Schmerz sitzt tief, sowas braucht Zeit. Das ist ein langwieriger Prozess aber du hattest die Kraft und den Mut, mit dieser Situation umzugehen, sie dir einzugestehen, das schafft nicht jeder!

Ich dachte mir auch immer 'Hey, die Transition, die war wohl irgendwie einfach notwendig, um zu erkennen, dass ich eigentlich gar nicht Mann sein will sondern einfach nur eben so, wie ICH bin; eine Frau, mit hin und wieder maksulineren Tendenzen, aber das ist ja nichts Schlimmes!' ... mittlerweile aber kann ich sagen, dass ich die Transition in vielerlei Hinsicht stark bereue, insbesondere, was die Hormonumstellung anging und die Hysterektomie. Ohne Eierstöcke bin ich nunmal gear*** und muss den Ärzten in den Allerwertesten kriechen, damit sie mir andere Hormone als Testo geben. Das ist das allerschlimmste Gefühl für mich. So ausgeliefert zu sein, das eigene Leben quasi nicht mehr in der Hand zu haben. Deswegen kann ich dich sehr gut verstehen... Wir haben so viel verloren auf diesem Weg, obwohl wir stets glaubten, zu gewinnen und das Richtige zu tun. Meine Psychotherapeutin war damals übrigens auch etwas komisch gegenüber Geschlechterklischees eingestellt. Die war total schockiert, als ich ihr erzählte, dass ich mir die Haare glätte, als wäre das des Teufel's Werkzeug in der Hand eines Mannes. Und Stiefel, so wie Mäntel wären ebenfalls ein no-go. Sprich : Männer dürfen sich weder die Haare pflegen/stylen, noch Stiefel oder Mäntel tragen, das ist nur was für Frauen. Fand das damals schon irgendwie krass ... sie hat mich regelrecht in eine Schublade drängen wollen, in die ich nie reingehörte.

Ich hoffe jedenfalls, dass du irgendwie wieder zu Kräften kommst und deinen Weg weiterhin gehst. Lass dich nicht unterkriegen und denke an das, was du bislang erreichen konntest und noch erreichen wirst. Es ist nicht zu spät, das Blatt zu wenden. Unsere Wunden heilen langsam aber sie werden heilen. Solltest du jemals jemanden zum Reden brauchen, ich bin gerne für dich da. Und vergiss nie, dass du ein wundervoller Mensch voller Einzigartigkeit bist und das eine falsch diagnostizierte Transition dir das niemals nehmen kann! <3

Hey!

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Seeking aid and advice from a doctor only to be turned down is absolutely messed up. It's not just about detransition but about keeping a steady hormone level as well. Doctors should be obliged to secure our healthcare, no matter the previous medical history.

Reading your story actually reminds me of myself and why I'm so terribly afraid of my Endo appointment during July. I'm 27 years old now, been on T for almost 8 years and just started to detransition. I've had both mastec- and a full hysterectomy, which means I'm also pretty much dependent on my doctors. My Endo doesn't know anything about my plans yet so I'll see how that goes. I fear that she'll turn me down as well but I refuse to take T any longer. It's messed with my health pretty bad and I'm glad I decided to finally drop it. I already made some appointments with other doctors just in case my Endo refuses to support me just so I won't be off hormones for too long. I hope that, in the worst case possible, I'm able to find SOMEONE willing to treat me. It's scary... to think that there's a possibility that no doctor will help you in such a situation.

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I hope things will work out for the both of us. Wish you the best of luck. Stay strong <3

This is terrible news. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family.... and of course the loss of a precious light that went out. It's so heartbreaking to read although I didn't know him. I just hope he can be free and whoever he wants to be where he is now. Rest in peace, we'll remember you. <3

Much strength to you and your family! '-'

Yes, I've experienced the same thing. Just yesterday I noticed that it seemed much lighter than usual. I have very dark hair but there suddenly are streaks of a lighter brown shining through. I've been off T for about 5 months now and started to go back to E since 3 weeks. Unfortunately, for being on T for so long, I've gotten quite a lot of grey strands as well and I'm only 27 years old. Another not so beneficial side effect of HRT. But this is a much smaller problem compared to other side effects T had on me, like hair loss for example.

I feel the same way. My dreams seem more intense now after being off T for 3 months. I also seem to remember them a lot more often than I did while on T.

From my personal experience, I can also tell that I've been developing some severe anxiety with T over the years. Instead of growing self-confident about myself I became more and more reserved and anti-social because I feared that people would quickly realize that I'm 'different' than cis-men and judge me for it. My passing was actually pretty decent, I think, but it's all in the head. I just never felt relieved living as a man.

Also, I can affirm the theory about people being on T having difficulties to cry. I've had this experience as well. It's like trying to turn a valve to release the glut of emotions but it's too rusty to move. As much as I tried, it didn't work. And it frustrated me to no end. Crying is something I need to process my inner turmoil. Now, after not taking T anymore, it works naturally again. I'm a lot more emotional and that's absolutely fine. I've missed feeling like this, like I'm truthfully being MYSELF again.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I sort of feel the same pain and I really want to detransition as soon as possible, but since I've had a complete hysterectomy a few years back, I'm bound to medication from my doctors. It's all up to my Endo to decide whether I'm able to go back on E or not. Being so dependent on complete strangers... that feeling really sucks. And I'm so afraid that they will put obstacles in my way of going back. I assume you still have your ovaries? I really envy you. I should've not been so careless and overeager to go all the way of transitioning back then. But it's too late now. All we can do is try and make the most out of it.

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I feel like nothing's lost. We can still go back. I've been on T for about 8 years now, I think, so I too experienced extreme masculinization. I lost some of my hair, the lines are definitely thinner and I always had thick and long hair before I transitioned. I miss my old hair quite a lot but perhaps it will regain over time. I'll have to undergo laser therapy to get rid of the beard and shadow permanently. It's going to be a long and expensive procedure but there's no other way. The voice is yet another thing... but there are ways to train it, make it sound more high and feminine. I think if you really wish to accomplish all of this, nothing is impossible so long you strive for it. That's how it's been for us when we transitioned, it can be like this again. I understand that the time we've lost is upsetting, I too tend to think a lot about it and then start to cry just to get rid of all the depressions bottled up inside of me for 3 years. I wish I would've not gotten so far, but it's too late now. We've made that experience, we know for sure now that we're not meant to be living as males and that's okay. If that's the road we needed to take to realize what we want in life, so be it. It's up to us to make the best out of it. I believe in you, stay strong. You'll be rewarded for your strength and endeavors, I'm certain.

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Also, I've read you started buying dresses for yourself. That's a great start! Don't think about what's lost but think ahead, do good things to yourself, treat yourself well. You'll be looking astonishing in those dresses, I'm sure. I've bought a pair of ballet pumps just today and it's been the greatest feeling since a very long time. I've never worn any of these so this is completely new to me... but I'm happy to finally accept this feminine side of me.

If I can do this, then so can you. I wish you the best of luck on your way. Keep your head up and don't look back. Don't blame yourself for any of this. We too are destined to find happiness. You'll see, everything's going to be alright. <3