I'm just your older run of the mill butch dyke. This is what I think when I read your plight. I came out in the late 70's as a teen. No role models except Kristy McNichol. But I knew I wanted to be a butch dyke. I cut the sleeves off my shirts and wore tan work boots and levi's. Back in that day, girls did not do this. (I was in L.A.) I had to fight to wear these clothes. I had one job tell me I coudnt wear the boots. Another job said I need to wear a dress at least once a week. I was laid off for being gay and rehired when the person who laid me off got fired. I fought like a mofro all those years, going against the grain. I would ask myself why I keep going but I knew it was because there was literally no other way for me to present. I also knew, I was paving the way. If I cant wear tan work boots, no girl can. So I will until all girls can. I look at my youth as a baby dyke as someone who paved the way. I did it so others could do it. And in a way, that's how I see you. Whether you're trans or not, what you have done is paved the way. Even with your desire to detrans. Your paving the way for that to happen. You're paving the way for people to think second before jumping in. You're on the frontlines of this experience and no matter which way you go, you have to look at yourself as a warrior. And your detrans, are your battle scars. And while it's going to be excruciatingly emotionally painful to do this, your still in the war. And war is hell. And you need to ignore the pain and anguish and just fight through with conviction.

Please forgive if this an inappropriate response, I just noticed how a lot of your words are what you think about how other people view you. And that's actually something happening in your thought process that most young people do. Obsess on what others think. In most cases, people are not really thinking too much about you. Most people are self involved and only give passing thoughts to others. You are a unique individual and you're creating yourself. Confidence in who you are is attractive. And will attract people to you. If you walk around with this dialog in your head, that energy is permeating your life. And probably causing a reaction in the people around you. How you present at the moment may not be exactly to your liking but walk with the confidence of just being you. As you are now. Dont look outside yourself so much and determine others judgements on you and dont give so much energy to what you're not. Embrace who you are. I wish they taught this in school. Because most people are actually doing what you're doing. Critically thinking about who they are and how they look. It's actually a toxic thought process. And if you want to hang out with lesbians, I know many transmen who do exactly that. It being their preferred social circle. Be brave in who you are today, go out in the world, get involved with things that interest you and anytime those detrimental thoughts come in your head, push them out and replace them with something positive. It's hard work but if you were in therapy, this is probably what a homework assignment would look like. If I may say.....

Consider this aspect of life, the only easy pairing is heterosexual couples. They are everywhere and they are abundant. It's harder for gay people to find couplings. And it's even harder for trans to find couplings. Unless you just go straight up hetero, no matter what you choose to embody, it's gonna be hard to find a relationship. Whether you do srs or not, you're in that group of small pools. I'm a butch woman who only likes butch women. a very small pool to find relationships in. There is someone out there that will dig you for you, exactly how you are, whatever form you decide to embrace. It may take a while but the key to successful relationships is loving yourself and projecting that.

This is a great take on the climate of today. I think it's an important voice to be heard. And as for the comment below on the Transition Regret and the links provided, I think a survey of surgeons and the Amsterdam Cohort study while valid, are a bit obscure studies to promote the idea that destrans'ing isnt prevalent.

I found my lesbianism in part through mich fest when it was happening. I was a baby dyke when I started going and I worked for 15 years at that festival. In many ways it saved me. Kept me on this earth. I spent my entire adult life learning how to be one. And now I'm to be a role model for those starting out. But it seems, I can no longer proclaim proudly of my journey w/o being seen as a transphobe. I feel like I'm in a crazy world. Things that seem so logical to me are being twisted into insanity. I dont care what anyone identifies as. If you are a tim that identifies as a lesbian, that's fine. There will be people out there for you. But those of us lesbians, womyn born womyn who love womyn born womyn are their own category. And have every right to exist as anyone else. There are so many young dykes out there that need us. Need us to show them the way. And were being suppressed and like the lesbian bars in everytown america, erased. All the trans out there fighting for their place in the world, there is plenty of room. But why are you trying so hard to erase this category of womyn born womyn? We have as much right to exist as you do. Cant we just all get along. This article demonstrates exactly the need for all to exist.

I see it as you're on the frontlines of a battle ground. Not that there is a war going on, but a movement. And you got swept up in that movement. (we all are it's just some are more on the frontlines than others) For this to evolve and be understood, people have to go through all aspects of the movement. Everyone has their role. Your role just happens to fall into the detrans aspect. It's a broad view and not do diminish your struggles. But you played an important part in this. You are exactly where you are supposed to be and you can do things now with this position you're in that you couldnt do otherwise. I wouldnt say nothing has worked out in your life. I'd say you are doing important work. And you should share your expertise with others. You'll find, life is a series of things not going as you planned. It's this way for everyone. You may not see it when you look out there, but it's exactly true. No one ever gets it right the first time. Everyone stumbles and bumbles through life faking it til they make it. I think you just dont know this and knowing it helps you realize, you're as human as the person standing next to you.

I attended the michigans womyns festival for 15 years. And for the 2 weeks a year, I got to hang out with every body shape of womyn. When you are surrounded by this population, (for me and I know for others but I dont speak for everyone) your body issues disappear for the most part. You look around and see every kind of womyn. And while you may wish for a more masculine body, there is something so accepting about a group of womyn that issues fall by the wayside and you just live. Knowing this, for myself, I know I feel way more relaxed and accepting of my body around all womyn. And since this isnt possible in the real world, I tend to just hang with womyn as much as possible. That way I get occasions of not caring. Getting to do this, results in an accumulation of confidence. Over time. And reading what you wrote, imho, this might be the kind of therapy you need. (most womyn with issues might need) The loss of michigan was way more than a festival. It was a kind of therapy that doesnt exist anymore for womyn on the scale that it was. very sad.