This story is from the comments by /u/xnyvbb that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the extensive comment history provided, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.
Key indicators of authenticity include:
- Highly specific, consistent personal narrative: The user details a multi-year journey of being on testosterone, having top surgery, detransitioning, and the long, painful physical and emotional process of that reversal. The details are granular, emotionally resonant, and consistent across hundreds of comments over four years.
- Emotional depth and vulnerability: The comments express a wide range of raw, powerful emotions—regret, grief, pain, anger, suicidal ideation, and hard-won moments of hope and self-acceptance. This complexity is difficult to fake consistently.
- Practical, experiential knowledge: The user offers specific advice on dosages (150mg bi-weekly), surgical procedures (DI vs. periareolar), recovery experiences, hormone effects, hair removal (laser vs. electrolysis), and the slow timeline of refeminization, all of which align with known detransitioner experiences.
- No agenda beyond personal experience: While the user is critical of transgender ideology and medical practices, the focus remains squarely on their personal story of harm and recovery, not on recruiting or propagandizing for a separate cause.
The account exhibits the passion and lived experience of a real person who has undergone significant trauma related to their transition and detransition.
About me
I was a girl who felt uncomfortable with my body and thought I was supposed to be a boy, influenced by online communities and a past relationship. My transition, including testosterone and surgery, was traumatic and triggered severe health issues, leaving me with permanent changes. I realized my feelings were rooted in trauma, autism, and OCD, not in being male. I am now focused on accepting my female body and healing from my past. I deeply regret my choices and am undergoing expensive procedures to try and feel like myself again.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I was a girl who felt incredibly uncomfortable with my body, especially during puberty. I now realize a lot of that discomfort was tied to deeper issues. I’m autistic and have OCD, which made me get stuck in obsessive thought loops about my identity. I also have a history of trauma, including sexual abuse, that I hadn't fully processed. At the time, I didn't understand that my feelings were symptoms of these conditions and my past experiences. I thought the problem was that I was supposed to be a boy.
I started identifying as a trans man when I was 19. It felt exciting and new, like a way to escape all the things I hated about myself. I was heavily influenced by online communities, where people encouraged each other to transition and even advised hiding things like a history of self-harm or bipolar disorder to get access to hormones more easily. I dated a guy who encouraged me to transition, and I later found out he had two other ex-girlfriends who also detransitioned, which seems suspicious now. I convinced myself that taking testosterone and having surgery was the only way to be happy.
I was on testosterone for about a year and a half. At first, it made me feel powerful and confident, almost like a drug. But it also made me dissociate heavily; I felt like I became a different person and I barely remember those two years. It even triggered a psychosis where I had violent and sexual thoughts and was convinced I was a demon. My dosage was high for my size—150mg every two weeks—and my cholesterol and red blood cell count were always out of whack. I started losing my hair, which really scared me. The social side of being a man was also lonely and exhausting. I had to constantly monitor how I acted and talked to pass, and I felt like a 24/7 actor.
Despite my doubts, I pushed forward and had top surgery (a double mastectomy) when I was 20. I thought it would finally make me feel right. Instead, the surgery was traumatic and painful. The recovery was brutal, and I was left with nerve damage, numbness, and scars. I felt a huge sense of loss, like I’d amputated a part of myself. The anesthesia bills and aftercare were a financial mess. I immediately felt like my chest was unnaturally flat and it made my hips look bigger, so I started planning liposuction, which made me realize I would be chasing an impossible ideal forever.
A powerful dream was the final push that made me realize I had made a terrible mistake. In the dream, I saw my transition through the eyes of a guy who had loved me before, and he was devastated, crying because the person he knew seemed dead. I woke up and knew I had to stop. I also had experiences with psychedelic drugs, like DMT, that gave me a perspective of unconditional love and made me feel I should appreciate the life nature gave me. I started to believe in reincarnation and that our souls are genderless, but we should experience the body we’re born into.
I stopped testosterone in March 2020. The first few months of detransition were the hardest. I was emotionally all over the place, crying constantly, and my period came back, which was difficult to handle. I felt despair and thought about suicide a lot. But I told myself I could always end things later, and to just wait and see if it got better. I focused on taking things one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I leaned into spirituality, yoga, and self-care. I tried to see my body as a vehicle to experience life, not something to fight against.
Now, I see that my desire to transition was rooted in trauma, internalized misogyny, and a desperate attempt to feel in control. I wanted to be strong and safe, and I thought becoming a man was the answer. I was also struggling with my sexuality; I identified as bisexual, but on testosterone, I became intensely attracted to women in a way that felt different. I realize now that I can embrace my masculine traits as a woman. All the things I thought I needed to be a man to do—dressing a certain way, acting assertive—I can do as a female.
I deeply regret my transition, especially the top surgery. The permanent changes—my deeper voice, facial hair, and flat chest—are daily reminders of a choice I can't take back. I’ve spent years saving up for procedures like laser hair removal, vocal feminization surgery, and a breast reconstruction to try and feel more comfortable in my skin again. It’s been an expensive and painful process. I don’t blame the doctors entirely because I signed the consent forms, but I believe the system is broken and doesn’t do enough to screen for underlying issues like autism, OCD, and trauma.
My thoughts on gender now are that it’s largely a social construct. The pressure to fit into a box is immense, and transition is often presented as a simple solution to very complex problems. For me, it wasn’t the answer. The healthiest thing has been to accept my biological sex and work on healing the mental and emotional pain that led me astray. I’m trying to build a new life, not go back to the person I was, but create something authentic from the pieces that are left.
Here is a timeline of the major events:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 19 | Started identifying as a trans man. Began testosterone therapy. |
| 20 | Had top surgery (double mastectomy). |
| 20 | Stopped testosterone. Began detransition. |
| 22-24 | Underwent vocal feminization surgery and started laser hair removal. |
| 24 | Had breast reconstruction surgery. |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/xnyvbb:
Well here's what I needed to hear before top surgery. It's batshit to remove a perfectly healthy part of your body no matter how you think you feel about it, the surgery will be a massive trauma. There will be no new feeling of smooth leanness and androgyny or whatever the fuck you think you want. You will have agonizing phantom limb pain. Even when that's gone in a couple years there will be pain, numbness, and emptiness where there was once pleasure and fullness. Every day for the rest of your life you will feel you have robbed yourself of a quintessential part of the human experience. Doomed to take the outlook of a Buddhist monk because there's no other way but you still have to work a 9-5 so your ego will forever be in limbo of wanting to dissolve but needing to be conscious to maintain professional connections and stay motivated, thanks to the society that fucked you up so bad you wanted to do something this nuts in the first place. There will never be ease in sex again, if you even have a sex drive left. you'll never be sure you're actually satisfying except with certain fetishists if you even get to the point of hooking up with someone. Easier to push them away before it gets to the point of having to say out loud what you did to yourself.
Don't cut your dick off you moron. Get some mood stabilizers and intensive therapy. Touch grass. Do a dopamine detox. Don't ever watch porn again. Work out. Find god. Whatever it takes. Just don't cross the line that I'm on the other side of.
Im sorry but you need to be honest with your family before your little sister gets hurt. I had to do the same thing when my brother started identifying as mtf during his first bipolar meltdown just like I did but I felt obligated to keep it real and now he's a happy and healthy young man. Staying silent in this case is selfish
I just want to tell you I know what you mean. Of course I knew my breasts would be gone forever, but I had no idea what grief and pain was on the side or what forever really meant. The chronic pain from scar tissue, the loss of sensation, the phantom limb pain... none of which I was adequately informed of. People that have had these surgeries before us have two choices: pretend it's all rosy or be silenced, relegated to places like this. So we never had all the information to make a proper decision.
I don't have much advice for really healing from this. I haven't figured it out yet. Right now I spend all day daydreaming and pretending it didn't happen. Not particularly healthy. I have just plodded through the last four years one step at a time, jumping from one small pleasure (a cup of coffee, a cigarette, a good conversation, a nice cocktail, a flirt, a song that makes sense...anything) to another, or focusing on work. I must admit that I sense that one day I might give in.
Reconstruction for me came with only a fraction of the side effects that a phalloplasty would, and it was still a big lifelong decision. I'll be having surgery every decade for the rest of my life now, and if you have phalloplasty that could very well happen to you. It's another really horrific surgery with a huge mental load. My reconstruction came with a lot of tears and nightmares, all so I could fill out a blouse again. Perhaps you could try packers that are usually meant for trans men. I understand if you wouldn't want to though. I could never make myself wear prosthetic breasts.
Few understand this type of pain. I know what I went through is nowhere near what you went though, but I am here for you as long as I can stand to be on this planet in this body. Message me anytime.
The couple of trans women I met irl in my time in trans spaces seemed to be going through the exact same thing as me.... they were clearly just autistic and traumatized. As an FTM I was just as liable to make people uncomfortable in public by talking about what I was "going through". When you get really obsessed with being heard and seen you just end up taking up too much space.
My ideal bathroom setup would be single person/family style bathrooms for all, but as long as you're acting appropriate... it's unfortunate for males in the throes of a mental disorder have to use the women's to be comfortable. But they think they're women and they need to piss I guess. I went though the same thing and I'm glad I was never bothered in the restroom because it was very distressing. I only hope I didn't make any men feel unsafe or anything. But I think honestly as long as you follow restroom etiquette it does not matter.
I would, however, not be pleased if I found them in any sort of women's support group. It's like, just go to an LGBT support group. You shouldn't feel bad about being a male but as a female I do really need a safe space from that every now and again.
I had no idea there were FTMs who claimed to be able to breastfeed. I went in knowing I wouldn’t be able to and it’s still sad. But yeah my nipple grafts won’t heal from minor wounds like a bump in the chest at work, I dunno how a baby is supposed to chew on them. And they’re completely closed, nothing is coming in or out.
I notice that a lot of mtf seem to get sexual gratification and attention from transitioning, whereas ftm transition is a desexualizing experience and you basically become socially invisible. So I would imagine mtf are getting the dopamine hit for longer. There's also the fact that while mtf dominate online spaces, there's waaay more ftm in real life so a lot more potential for regret.
Having a double mastectomy is so excruciatingly painful and difficult, but it's taken so bizarrely lightly in trans circles. Even the euphemism "top surgery" conceals the true nature of this major surgery. These young kids are in for a world of hurt if they go through with it.
This was me right before I had top surgery. It did not help and was just incredibly painful and jarring. And here I am still working on going back.
Especially if you’re not into being medicalized top surgery is a no from me. Hospital nightmare, revision surgeries, constantly tending nipple grafts and scars.
This is the kind of internet grooming that led me to not mention my history of being sexually abused. I wasn't sure the memories were real at the time, but I was afraid even mentioning the weird nightmares and visions I was having would put off HRT and me "finally getting to live my life as the guy I was supposed to be." The whole transition immediately and ignore anything else or else you're definitely going to kill yourself thing is going to lead to a lot of detransition.
I’ve never come across a study that seems to even have a good sample set, much less considered alternatives to the reason you listed. A huge thing is detransitioners like myself drop off and don’t get listed as people who did so unlike trans identifying people that might come back in to a clinic when considering medically detransitioning.