My whole journey started from a place of deep emptiness. I felt disconnected from myself and everyone else, and I thought becoming a woman would finally make me feel whole and real. I was grasping at an identity like it was smoke, hoping it would fix the depersonalization I always felt. I now see that a lot of this was a form of escapism, a way to try and run from myself.

I transitioned socially and medically. I took hormones and lived as a woman for a while. I had good genes and was passable, but that external validation never touched the emptiness inside. I was living in a house with five other trans women, and our entire relationship was built on this shared desire to transition. When that was gone, so was the friendship. When I first detransitioned, they fought for me to reconsider, and when I didn't, they tried to have me committed to a hospital. It showed me that if the only thing you have in common is the transition, the relationships aren't built to last.

My decision to detransition had nothing to do with outside pressure. It was all about my inner world. I realized I was in a delusion and that I needed to face reality, even if it was painful and no one was going to coddle me. I had started to learn about things like autogynephilia, the fetish where a man is aroused by the idea of being a woman, and it made me question my own motivations deeply. I was also heavily influenced by something a monk told me once. He said I wouldn't achieve any more happiness than I was destined for, and that changing my body wouldn't make me happier in the long run. I wish I had listened to him sooner. I indulged in what felt like an illicit desire, and I lost my wife and children because of it.

This was actually my second time quitting my transition. I just shaved my head two days ago and I'm rejecting all the different versions of myself I've tried to be. I've quit hormones and given up trying to look girly. I don't care about passing anymore. I'm trying to just be, without any label.

I don't think gender is something solid to be identified with. Most spiritual practices teach that identifying too closely with your body is a path to suffering, and I finally understand that now. My regret is immense. I regret not doing more research and self-reflection before rushing into things. I regret being influenced by the people around me and not listening to that wiser voice. I regret the permanent consequences of my actions, most of all the loss of my family. I thought transition was the answer to my depression and low self-esteem, but it was just a distraction that caused even more pain.